“You don’t need to pity me.” Madam He said after taking a sip.The absence of sadness in Lily’s eyes seemed to hurt her but a small part of her told her this was what she needed right now.
“You don’t need it.” Lily said. “You are not here for my sympathy.”
“That— that is right.” Eying her tea, Madam He lowered her head. “I’m sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing?” Lily asked. “If you are sorry for disturbing my sleep. Then… apology accepted.”
“Gannon… Gannon Is already sleeping with someone else.” Madam He lifted her head. She met Lily’s eyes. “I tried to keep him. I schemed against Adalind, I suspected you. I feel like… I did my best to stop something inevitable. And it was not enough…. Lily. I feel as if I lack something important. I feel as though I’m not enough, that I’m inadequate.” She sobbed. “I’m sorry. I’m such a mess.”
“I don’t think you should apologize to me, Xun Yiyi. You should apologize to yourself.”
Another sob escaped from Madam He. She felt her lips tremble. “I’m sorry.” She closed her eyes as her train of thought went back to what she did earlier. She had wanted to walk in front of a running truck, to kill herself. For her, losing Gannon was equivalent to a death sentence. She loved him and she never thought she could even survive without him.
However, she didn’t pursue this plan. Instead, her feet took her to Lily’s mansion. She didn’t even know why she was here in the first place. Was she here looking for sympathy? Maybe. Was she looking for advice? Maybe.
Or maybe she was just looking for a friend on whose shoulder she could cry without being judged.
“It is not your fault Gannon is like that. Hell, he was already like that before meeting you. Did you expect loving him more would change him?” Lily’s sharp words echoed inside her. Like small needles, it pricked her heart. The pain was excruciating, but it was not enough to kill her. How unfortunate.
She opened her mouth to argue. Gannon must have felt it right? He must have known she loved him this much. And yet, he didn’t change. Was it because… her everything was not enough for him?
Lily’s snort interrupted her. Madam He lifted her head only to see Lily smirking at her. Was she mocking her? Before she could say something Lily’s voice echoed.
“Let me guess. You were just asking yourself if your everything was not enough for him. Am I right?” Lily said. She elegantly took a sip of her ginger tea, her eyes never left Madam He.
In response, Madam He nodded. She could feel the intensity of Lily’s gaze, boring inside her. Was she angry? Was she laughing at her inwardly? Was she blaming her for ruining her own life?
“Xun Yiyi… why did you cheat on your husband?” Lily’s question came as a surprise. She stared at her, unable to say a word. Lily continued, “When you decided to cheat on Mr. He… you already knew this is wrong, right?”
“I— “
“Did you expect you will be happy after cheating? Did you expect you will live happily ever after like those fairy tales after meeting the man you thought you loved?” Lily chuckled. “This is not a fairy tale my dear. There is no fairy godmother that will fix you up once you are broken. There is no prince that will kiss you once you die. No. There are only evil ones and the ones who are more evil.”
Madam He lowered her gaze. She could not deny the sting from Lily’s words. What did she expect? Cheating on her husband was already morally wrong. Did she really expect she could find happiness after what she did?
She balled her hands into fists. She already had a good life. A rich husband who doted on her. True, he might not have loved her the way she wanted him to. And she might not love him no matter how much she tried to. But… at least they had each other. They were content with one another. They were peaceful.
Then Gannon came. In him she found everything her husband failed to give her. The attention, the sweet nothings, the thrill of having a relationship.
At the end of the day, the only person she could blame was herself. She ruined every good little thing she had. She was responsible for her own demise. “I’m sorry.” She raised her chin and stared at Lily’s face. She had been fucking all the good things in her life just for the sake of her own happiness. She did it because she wanted more. Because she was greedy for more.
And Lily was right. She, Xun Yiyi, owed an apology to herself.
The absence of emotions in Lily’s eyes seemed to awaken something inside her. Lily was right. She was not here for sympathy. She was not here to hear advice. She was here to find herself.
“Thank you,” a tear rolled down her cheeks. She, Xun Yiyi, had prided herself in her own intelligence. She thought she deserved more. However, in her journey to find her own happiness, she had actually forgotten a very important thing.
She forgot to love herself.
Along the way, she thought loving someone too much was enough to make them stay. No. You can’t convince someone to stay just because you love them. No. You can’t have everything in this world just because you think you deserve it. Your happiness does not depend on other people. Your happiness does not depend on the things you think you deserve.
No. Happiness is something that you yourself have to find. It is inside you. You can’t just find happiness outside of you without cultivating it inwardly. And to cultivate this happiness, what she needed to do was love— to love herself.
A sad smile dangled on her lips. In her journey… she had forgotten to love herself. And she had actually no idea how to start doing it again. Her world had revolved around Gannon that she did not even know what made her happy anymore.
Wasn’t this too heartbreaking?
….
Proofreader: Dragon777
