Denial is the first stage of Grief.
For a moment, his brain seemed to stutter as he fought his way to catch up to Bei Tian’s words. It hit him like a bolt of lightning, turning his sanity into ashes. He opened his mouth, but no words came.
His Lily was dead?
Zhou Jingren felt his nails grazed his palms as he lowered his head. How could she die? “That’s not possible.” he murmured as he shook his head. “That’s not possible. She wouldn’t leave me.” He assured himself.
“Jingren… I…”
“Let’s go to the hospital.” He interrupted Bei Tian, complicated expressions flashed in his eyes. There is no way that Lily would leave him. She promised him. She promised to stay. She would never leave him, again.
Seconds turned into minutes. But to Zhou Jingren they felt like forever. He felt his chest rumble, his heart threatening to run amok as he runs towards the hospital. His face was pallid. It had long lost its color as his mind tried to grasp the grief and denial that he felt inside.
And he stood there… Staring.
He stared at the emergency room as Bei Tian nudged him, informing him that Lily was no longer in this part of the building. He said nothing. He stood there… as he uttered prayers inside his head. Prayers that he never once said before. He called the gods… He silently begged them.
He felt his breath hitched. His throat was tight as he continued to look at the neon lighting flashing against the Hospital’s white walls. He saw his men, their people approached them. Yet he heard nothing of their words. Lily was inside the emergency room, he convinced himself again.
He should wait outside so he could see her once the doctors were done tending to her wounds. He should wait here… stand outside and wait.
“Jingren.”
“Leave me.” He managed to say. He knew what Bei Tian is going to do. He knew his friend will ask him to leave to try to calm him down. He wasn’t having any of it. Zhou Jingren clenched his jaws and stared at the doors. He should not leave… He should wait here.
“Jingren. Cut the crap!” He heard Bei Tian hissed under his breath, his voice a little shaky. He looked at the man standing next to him. His eyes were red, he saw his lips shake. “Stop it, Jingren! Just stop!” Bei Tian added. Contrary to his words, his eyes were not showing any anger. Instead, it was coated with… pity. Does he pity him? He frowned at the thought.
“Don’t pity me. Lily will be fine. We just need to…”
“Stop!” Bei Tian held his shoulders.Zhou Jingren frowned. He was about to convince him that all they needed is to wait… and wait. That they could trust the doctors in this hospital. Lily would be fine.
Tears welled in Bei Tian’s eyes as his voice softened. “She’s not here anymore,” he whispered enough for Zhou Jingren to hear his words.
In response, Zhuo Jingren stared at him and shook his head. “That can’t be. Let’s just wait…” He then removed Bei Tian’s hands from his shoulders. “We will wait.” This was an order. How could Bei Tian asked him to leave?
“She’s dead.” Bei Tian’s words hummed in his ears like a hurricane. He met Zhou Jingren’s eyes. Bei Tian pursed his lips as his orbs burned with grief and sympathy. “Let’s get out of here.”
“Get your hands off me!” Zhou Jingren hissed in response and pointed at the emergency room, his eyes bulged as veins appeared in his forehead. “SHE IS INSIDE!” He yelled, his voice trembled. How could Bei Tian asked him to leave when Lily was in grave danger?
Grave Danger.
The words turned him silent. Lily had been in grave danger, and yet, he was not there with her. She was alone. Guilt blazed in his eyes. This was not the first time that Lily was in grave danger and he… he was not there.
“Jingren. Get your thoughts straight.”
He lowered his head in response. What does Bei Tian mean? He was thinking straight. All he wanted was to wait for her. It was as if Zhou Jingren did not hear Bei Tian’s previous words as he convinced himself over and over that Lily was inside the emergency room.
“Let’s go see Lily at the morgue.” Bei Tian broke the silence.
Still, Zhou Jingren refused to move. What morgue? The thoughts of Lily lying in the cold morgue only made him confuse. How could she leave him? She could not be dead.
Lily would not do that. She already promised him. How could she leave again?
Memories- flashes of their memories flooded his mind. Her smile, sharp words, her smart comebacks. Lily… his Lily… She would not leave him.
“Let’s go.” Bei Tian said. Zhou Jingren scoff in response.
“If you want to leave… then leave!” He sneered. “You think… You think… I don’t know what you were trying to do? You are trying to separate me and her? Bei Tian! You are my brother… how could…” the pain in his lower jaw came like a clap of thunder. He staggered and clutched his jaw, he stared at Bei Tian in disbelief. Bei Tian punched him! He was so absorbed in his own thoughts that he did not notice his fist coming towards him.
“Wake the fuck up!” Bei Tian spatted, his hands balled into a fist as he glared at him. “Get your head straight!” he hissed. He then let out a sigh as he stared intently at Zhou Jingren. For a moment, he saw regret flashed in Bei Tian’s eyes. “I will wait for your outside.” Bei Tian left without waiting for his response.
Zhou Jingren only stared at him, mouth agape as his mind tried to wrap around his words. The taste of copper in his mouth made him realize how foolish he had been. He felt his chest started to ache when the reality sank inside him like a serrated knife. The pain was excruciating… Losing her was so painful that his mind tried to trick him to lie to himself, again.
This time… it didn’t work.
He lowered his head as tears pooled in his eyes. She was dead. How could she die just like this?
What came next was hazy. It was as if a blanket of mist had wrapped around Zhou Jingren’s eyes, blinding him from reality. Zhou Jingren did not know how he got into the morgue.
The sound of the door as they went inside seemed to have awoken him from his stupor. He stared at the only body covered in white cloth. He frowned as the stench of burnt flesh reached his nose.
Silence.
His mouth could utter no words. His face stern as he hoped that the person behind the white piece of cloth was not his wife.
He could not cry now. He heard Bei Tian say some words. He composed himself and nodded at him as if he understood any of it. Slowly, he took a step towards the body. It sure looked like his wife… however… something inside him screamed that it wasn’t.
His hand trembled as she stood next to the body. He eyed Bei Tian across him and nodded. Then, slowly, he removed the white piece of clothing.
