The class I chose to skip was my second of the day: Spanish with Coach Luis and some of my teammates. Noah walked me to my class like normal, nonstop talking about how he wanted to workout this afternoon even though it was midterms week. He was trying to convince the twins to stay after school so he could lift in the gym. Dave was leaning towards it. My focus wasn’t really there this morning as I thought about what to say to Coach Luis, Sean and Mitchell, and then Dr. Moore.
I went up to Coach Luis desk as my classmates came in and found their seats, talking to friends. “Hey…Coach…”
Coach Luis raised an eyebrow. “What can I help you with, Jake?”
My shoulders relaxed with that question. There was no comment about my state and national rankings. There was no obvious rejection like sending me to my seat. “Do you mind if I go see Dr. Moore in the office during your class time?”
He paused, then looked me in the eye. “Are you prepared for the midterm on Wednesday?”
I nodded in a hurried. “Yes. I’ve been keeping up and rereading my notes. I won’t have anything less than an A.”
Coach Luis smiled. “You don’t need an A. You would be just fine in my class with a C. I just don’t want you to miss the review if you needed it.” He reached for a pad of paper and started to write me a hall pass for Dr. Moore’s office. “Do your parents know that you need to see the doc? Do you want me to tell them?”
“Dad knows and he probably told Mom.” I looked around before lowering my voice. “I didn’t tell Noah though. Or the twins. I just need some one-on-one time.”
Coach Luis nodded. “Okay. Take it easy.” He handed me the note.
I accepted it with a relieved smile. “Thank you.” Coach Luis looked scary, but he was the third best coach I had after Coach Wilcox and Mr. Miller. I headed back out of the classroom, running into Sean, who was coming in. Dang it. I was hoping to just avoiding them.
“Where ya going, Jake?” Sean gave a friendly smile. “Our seats are the other direction. If you need to run to the bathroom, you can just leave your bag here.”
I flashed my hall pass. “I’m actually skipping class to talk to Dr. Moore.”
“Are you okay?” He asked immediately, looking me up and down.
“It’s fine. Just routine.” I told him, trying to keep it simple.
“Okay. Yea. Good for you to keep checking in with him.” Sean squeezed by and headed for his seat. “I’ll see you tomorrow then. Don’t let Noah and the twins train too hard this week.”
I nodded and left without anymore incidents. I went to the front office and navigated my way to Dr. Moore’s office. The door was wide open and the man was behind his desk looking down at a paper.
I lightly tapped the door. “Dr. Moore?”
He looked up and smiled. “Jake. I’ve been expecting you. Your Dad sent me a text last night just as a head’s up.” He added when he saw my surprise. “Why don’t you come in and close the door so you can talk?”
I stepped in, closing the door behind me. I dropped my backpack in one seat and sat in the other. “Did he say why I was coming in?”
Dr. Moore shook his head. “No. And I didn’t ask. Honestly, you never need a reason to come see me. It doesn’t have to be so forced. But since you have something specific this time, why don’t you go ahead and start.”
I placed my hall pass on his desk. “Well. The state and national rankings came out. For high school baseball.” I cringed. “I’m high up there and a lot of people are excited. Especially Noah. And the twins too.”
“Let me guess.” Dr. Moore pushed his glasses higher up on the bridge of his nose. “You’re not loving it.”
“I-I-I don’t think I’m as good as everyone says I am.” I sighed and leaned back in my seat. “My batting has everyone fooled.” I rolled my eyes. “During our game on Saturday, I got picked off.” I looked at Dr. Moore. “No one else on our team has been picked off at first this season. No one else.”
“Ah, but no one else on your team has any many home runs as you.” Dr. Moore smiled.
I frowned.
“I’m trying to keep up with the school teams.” Dr. Moore told me. “A lot of students play some kind of sport, especially the underclassmen because they have more chances to play because of the freshmen leveled teams.”
“Have you seen some baseball players beside me?” I asked, kind of interested in knowing if I wasn’t the only broken one.
“I can’t tell you that directly, but I will tell you that most of the kids I see here, participate in athletics. That’s why I’m trying to take an interest in the school activities.” Dr. Moore explained. “Student athletes have some added pressure trying to balance school and sports.” He picked up a pen. “Can I ask where you ranked? Just more out of a personal curiosity than professionally.”
“5th in state. 25th in the nation.” I sighed again. “Just saying it out loud makes me feel queasy.” I looked him in the eyes. “Zeke was 25th in the nation around this time last year.”
Dr. Moore nodded. “I can see where and how you’re conflicted. You don’t feel like you’re on the same level as Zeke.”
“Zeke was good at everything.”
“I heard that you had a better average than Zeke last year.”
“Yea, but-“
“No buts. That is the truth.” Dr. Moore cut me off. “Even as a non athletic person, I understand that these rankings may not be accurate. They’re human made and humans make errors. This is a group of people making a list of kids that they’ve never personally met. Just statistics from games that they’re able to see.”
“So I should just tell people that they’re wrong when they talk about my rankings?” I asked, confused.
“No, a simple ‘thanks’ should suffice.” He shrugged. “Or say nothing at all. It’s fine if you want to completely ignore it.”
“It’s hard to ignore.” I complained. “It’s all Noah wants to talk about.”
Dr. Moore smiled. “Noah’s just happy for you. If you say you don’t want to hear about it anymore, I’m sure he would respect that. As for everyone else, brush it off. It’s just something new that’s being talked about. It’ll go away.”
I thought back to last year. When rankings came out, we did talk about it immediately afterwards but it became less frequent as the season went on. Instead, we mostly talked about the next opponent. The next practice. How we could improve.
“Do you think I sound like a baby?” I asked, feeling pretty pathetic.
“I think you’re looking for the word ‘insecure’.” Dr. Moore said. “More than likely, you’re developing imposter syndrome.”
I looked at him confused.
“Basically when people start to doubt themselves, their skills, their accomplishments, they feel like a fraud.”
I started to nod aggressively. “I do feel like a fraud!” I looked at Dr. Moore, feeling hopeful. “How do I stop?”
He laughed. “There’s no immediate stop to it. All you can do is take some steps to remind yourself of who you are. Lay out the facts…like you’re a very good batter. The best around.”
I felt my face warm up. “The ‘best’ is a little much.”
“Name a better batter.”
“Jeremy?” I suggested.
“A better batter in high school.” He corrected. “Remember, we’re talking about high school rankings.”
I came up empty.
“Next would be something like we’re doing now. Talking about your feelings.” He continued. “We’ve addressed that you’re the best. Now be happy for yourself. Celebrate your successes and work on your failures. We’ve got to let go of your quest for perfection.”
We spent the next hour talking about the rankings and how I could deal with the uncomfortable way it made me feel. After the bell rung, I went to meet Noah at our lockers to start step one: get Noah to cool it.
“You wouldn’t believe how popular my post has become since yesterday.” Noah started talking right away. “We’re practically going viral.”
“Noah.” I paused and waited to make sure he was listening. He was looking at me, waiting. “I actually don’t feel good listening about my rankings. It makes me feel…like a fraud. I understand that I’m a good batter, but with my errors and other lousy traits…” I trailed off.
“So? Your bat makes up for it clearly!” Noah smiled.
I reached out to hold Noah’s shoulder. “Noah, it doesn’t make me feel good.” I emphasized again.
“Okay, okay. I won’t talk about it so much.” Noah started to get it. He gave a small shrug. “I actually like having you so high up, giving me something to brag about. I didn’t make either list and it’s a bit of a letdown.”
I tried to give him an encouraging smile. “So you work harder. That’s what you do. Besides. Was Zeke on either list his sophomore year?”
“No!” Noah blurted out. He grinned. “Neither were the twins.” He shook his head. “How could I forget that?” He laughed. “I’m so stupid.” He looked at me. “I’m definitely going to get Dave to stay with me after school to work out in the gym. We both need the stress relief.”
“I can do some studying in the library.” I volunteered. “I don’t want to go to the gym and have a bunch of eyes on me now that you’ve told everyone the rankings. I would feel like an animal in the zoo.”
“Sorry.” Noah rubbed his nose. “I was just so excited for you.”
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“Thank you.” I nodded. “I’ll try to work hard too so I don’t let you guys down.” I grinned. “Just not this week.”
“Don’t worry, it’ll blow over after spring break. Everyone will forget soon enough.” He patted my shoulder.
