Dinner on Wednesday night was rather silent. The twins had to go to a classmate's house for a group project due Friday. And since they were busy after school tomorrow, they only had today. Mr. and Mrs. Atkins were working on their proposal for their work meeting tomorrow so they had taken their dinner to their shared office.
It was just Noah, Zeke, and me at the table. Zeke was always silent so that was nothing new. Noah's silence on the other hand, was unusual. He peacefully ate his food, but his eyes were glued on his phone. Not even looking at an article or an ongoing game, but was waiting for a text back.
As we finished eating, his phone beeped.
Noah held his breath as he opened the text message. Then he jumped up and shouted, making me flinch. "He found someone! He found someone!" He beamed proudly at Zeke. "Ten people! We have ten!"
Zeke smiled. "I'll fill out the roster on Friday when we have everyone's release form."
I was about to ask about the girls, when Mrs. Atkins came out holding her cell phone. "Noah…I just got a call from Alisha's mom?"
Noah ran over to her. "Did she say yes??"
"What are you doing exactly? I thought you were putting together a team of players..?" She frowned. "Her mom told me that she hasn't played since she was little. Is this what you want to do?"
"Don't worry, Mom." Noah straightened up. "We're playing for fun. Alisha knew I was struggling finding players so she said she would join. She's not the only girl either. Kaylee said she and her friend would join."
"Might join." I corrected.
Noah shot me a look. I picked up my plate and took it to the kitchen sink as Noah talked with his mom. By the time I came back, she was already back on the phone with Alisha's mom and headed back for the office.
Noah grinned. "Alisha is in." He picked his phone up again. "I have to check in with Kaylee. She hasn't sent anything yet."
"How about making sure you do your homework?" Zeke suggested.
"Already done." Noah didn't look up.
Zeke looked skeptical.
"We do it all right when we get home." I spoke up for Noah. We practically did our homework as soon as we got home out of habit. Because it used to be practice, dinner, homework then bed. Now it's homework and dinner. Then Noah will usually watch a baseball game and I follow along.
"You know, you guys can join me on my runs and workouts." Zeke said.
That made Noah put down his phone. "Look at the time. The A's should be playing. Let's go, Jake." He made his exit and I was right behind him.
We went to the living room and turned on the tv. Noah put on the A's game and we watched in silence. Zeke joined us after cleaning up.
"Jeremy has been doing well with the A's." Noah commented, glancing my way.
I shrugged. "If you say so."
"He won Rookie of the Year last year." Noah told me. "It's normal for players to slide after winning an award like that. It's called the Sophomore slump. But Jeremy…he's putting up some good numbers."
I shrugged again.
"Give up, Noah. It doesn't matter to Jake, how well Jeremy does." Zeke spoke up, his eyes remaining on the tv screen.
"I wouldn't say that." I told them. They both looked at me in surprise. "I wouldn't want him to do bad. I just feel…a little disconnected from it. He's a pro. But, he's also someone who had left me behind. It just feels fake." I found the words to describe what I was feeling. With that, I got an idea. I pulled out my phone. One that was hardly used.
"Are you going to text Jeremy that? Right now?" Noah was stunned. "The day before we have to see him?"
I rolled my eyes. "No. Of course not. What I'm feeling…isn't completely his fault. I'm texting Dr. Moore to find out if he'll be at school tomorrow."
Dr. Moore replied in a timely manner, informing me that he wouldn't be at school until Friday and if that would work for me. I replied that it would. I wasn't in a hurry.
Noah sighed with relief. "I thought you were going to make it super awkward tomorrow."
"It's already awkward between us." I said.
"No kidding."
"Maybe you should talk to him about this feeling that you have." Zeke interjected.
Noah and I both looked at him, confused.
Zeke sat up and looked at me directly. "Talking with Dr. Moore isn't a bad thing. But it would be better if you can talk it out with the other party. You feeling disconnected, probably isn't one-sided."
"Do you really think so?" Noah asked. "Jeremy has apologized a few times and it seems like he's trying to make up for the past. Why would he feel disconnected?"
"Guilt." Zeke answered. "No matter how many times you apologize for something, it does nothing to ease the guilt. So you try to do it materially. Try to replace the things you broke or took. You trying to make the other half happy, won't make you happy. You'll just feel more guilty. Especially if they don't loosen up." Zeke stared me right in the eyes. "You need to talk with him more."
"But…it's hard." I said in a small voice.
"Why?" Zeke questioned. "Why is it hard?"
"…" I shrugged weakly.
"You just need to clear the air more frequently." Zeke suggested. "Try having a more in-depth talk with him a little more often. Think about it this way, what do you know about him?"
I blinked.
"Besides all his baseball accomplishments that are frequently talked about." Zeke added. "I'm not saying you have to ask about his family, but what about his interests? Did he go to college? Did he join the pros right out of high school? How was his time in the minor leagues? Sure, you can look this stuff up, but how will Jeremy feel?"
"Why do you care how much Jeremy feels, anyways?" Noah snorted.
Zeke cracked a smile as he stood up. "It's an older brother thing." He headed for the kitchen. "I'm going to make some hot chocolate."
"Make us some too!" Noah called out after him. Then he looked at me. "Don't let Zeke get to you. He's still on your side."
"No. It's okay. I get what he was saying."
I really didn't contribute much to the relationship between me and Jeremy. And what I did contribute was anger, dissatisfaction, and skepticism. Even when I did text him, I always expect to be ignored. And what I do know about him, I heard from Noah or the tv. And the time he tried to talk to me about our mom? I brushed him off, with the belief that since she hurt me more, his hurt didn't matter.
I thought about how he asked if I would wear the jersey with his name on it. He was just as insecure as I am. Unsure of what to say or what to do. Unlike him though, I have a therapist. I also have the Atkins who can help shift my perspective.
"Jake?" Noah looked worried.
I looked up at him and smiled. "I'm okay."
"If you don't want to be nice to Jeremy, you don't have to be. Team Jake, remember?"
I laughed. "I know."
