Chapter 51: Chapter 51 – Myself, Others, and My Friend (1)
Translated by: ShawnSuh Edited by: SootyOwl
Seeing Juho showing no response, Seo Kwang whispered, “What’s with them? They were doing fine yesterday. It was almost like one couldn’t live without the other. Did something happen?”
“I don’t know.”
“There’s no way you don’t. Come on, fess up.”
Sadly, Juho really didn’t. He saw a river flowing between Sun Hwa and Bom. It was the distance between them. Bom was sitting anxiously, examining Sun Hwa’s face, while Sun Hwa didn’t even look in Bom’s direction.
He observed the two from time to time.
*
As usual, Sun Hwa was getting ready for class. She sat in her seat and opened up her textbook. Like those of diligent students, its pages were filled with her notes. She believed that grades brought a certain image to a student. A student who had good grades would be seen as an exemplary student. On top of that, if she were to pay even the slightest attention to her looks, she’d become untouchable. Such a position actually existed within the boundaries of school, and Sun Hwa had always worked hard to keep herself in that spot.
“Hey, is she reading a comic book?
“Seems like she is. What is she doing in the corner though?”
“Eh, let her be. Who knows?”
The students in the class whispered jeeringly. Quietly, Sun Hwa looked behind her. In the corner, there was a girl with a slightly messy appearance and a comic book in her hand.
‘That’s it,’ she thought.
A student with a bad image was always treated poorly by her peers. There was a big contrast from the time Sun Hwa had brought her comic books to school. They had joked around while taking turns to read them together then.
Others may have poked fun at her for having a childish taste, but nobody looked at her loathingly. That was how much impact an image had on a female student. An image was made to be seen by others. After all, people weren’t made to live in solitude. They had to live being mindful of how they appeared to the eyes of others, always.
“Hey, Sun Hwa, someone’s looking for you,” said one of the girls who had been slandering the girl with the comic book up to a moment ago.
When she looked into the hallway, she saw Juho standing outside. She got up at once, feeling unpleasant being in that environment.
Juho took her to the school yard. Apparently, he wanted to say something to her.
“What do you want?” she asked grumpily as she sat down on a wooden bench outside.
There were several benches in a small space under a tree in the schoolyard, and Juho sat on the innermost seat. In his hand, there were two beverages he had bought from the cafeteria.
“I wanted to say something really quick.”
“Is this a confession?”
“Haha!”
“Are you laughing at me!?”
She sat next to him and took a beverage from his hand. She seemed certain that it was for her, and since she had guessed right, he didn’t say anything.
“I didn’t fight with Bom.”
With those words, she chugged her beverage. He looked at her and said, “I read your paper.”
“Pfff!”
She spewed the beverage in her mouth out like a fountain. Fortunately, she hadn’t been looking in Juho’s direction, so there were no casualties. Instead, she left a dark stain on the ground.
Before he had time to go look for tissues, she asked with a flustered voice while wiping her mouth with her hand,”Wh-what did you say you read?”
“Your paper. I found it in the science room. I couldn’t help it.”
“Who do you think you are? Seo Kwang? Are you a print addict too? Do you read whatever you find?”
“Sorry, I was too curious.”
‘How are you so confident?’ she looked at him in disbelief. It was a good thing that she didn’t seem infuriated.
“I apologize,” he added.
“Well, it’s not… Sigh,” she sighed. “I’m not exactly in a place to be saying things like this to you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing.”
Surprisingly, she wasn’t as angry as he had been expecting. If anything, she seemed more anxious.
“How was it?” she asked for his evaluation.
‘Is she worried about how others are evaluating her skill?’ he thought. It hadn’t been anything special, but he chose his words carefully.
“I enjoyed it. It was fun, wild, and it didn’t beat around the bush.”
“Yeah?”
“Yep.”
Despite an answer that resembled a compliment, she remained anxious. ‘Why is she still anxious?’ he wondered. Soon, he reached the answer. “Did somebody tell you that you’re bad at writing?”
“Huh?”
‘I knew it.’ It was apparent. ‘How did he know?’ she thought as she looked at him. From a writer’s perspective, it was a simple answer.
“Who? Was it Mr.Moon?”
“No.” She fiddled with the empty can in her hand. It was hard to see her face because of her hair, but she continued with a calm voice, “In middle school, I used to love to write.”
“What about comic books?”
“I wasn’t into them back then.”
‘Seo Kwang would’ve jumped with joy. Who would’ve thought she had been into literature at one point?’
“When I finished a story for the first time, I showed it to my friends. I was so satisfied with how it had turned out. In my eyes, it was better than any book I’d ever read.”
“But?”
Her head dropped lower.
“They laughed at me.”
“Hm.”
“I was so offended. I felt really, really awful. But you know what? I laughed with them. ‘Hahaha. Right? It’s funny right?’ like that.”
It must have left a dent in her pride. That was what it was like to be evaluated by others. There was cruelty to one’s evaluation of herself not being in line with others’ evaluation of her.
“That was the first time I’d experienced something like that. I did well in school and my looks weren’t half bad either, so I didn’t have to worry about being laughed at.”
It was her first time. That was why she had chosen to mimic her friends rather than being wise in the way she handled their criticism.
“That was it. I’m not really traumatized or afraid of being around people. I just let it slide.”
She had been doing well so far. Just like everyone else her age, she took exams and received her grades. Like she’d said, she wasn’t afraid of being around other people or lived with trauma. However, none of that meant that she wasn’t hurt.
“It’s just that I’ve come to realize how much impact others around me have,” she said calmly. “Since then, I’ve distanced myself from reading.”
“So, that’s how you got into comic books?”
“Yep. I borrowed one from a friend who was always getting picked on. Unlike her, I never got picked on.”
He thought about the moment when he had visited her in class. A lone girl and a comic book in her hand. At once, he was able to picture her friend.
There was always a loner in any class. For the most part, classrooms always looked the same.
She wanted to redeem herself. She wanted to cover up her memory of being laughed at by her friends with something special and she desperately hid her wound.
He opened his mouth as he looked at her and said, “And now, you’re writing again.”
Once again, she had a pen in her hand. ‘How did she come to decide to join the Literature Club?’
“I met Bom. She’s good with compliments. She tells me something positive no matter what I do. Whenever she is around, I feel safe to write. I actually was safe too,” she said.
‘I see.’ He understood their relationship now. A girl who’s in need of compliments had met a friend who leaned on others around her. As long as she complimented Sun Hwa, Bom could stay as her friend. As long as she complimented Sun Hwa, it was OK for Bom to lean on her. Sun Hwa was like a flower that bloomed in May. It only bloomed when Bom came. (TL’s note: Bom means Spring in Korean.) Then…
“That’s why you’re keeping her around.”
“I can understand her.”
At her answer, he remembered. She was supposed to be part of an essay contest with Bom. Sun Hwa had been the one who had suggested it. Whenever Bom asked her a question, she’d always answer without hesitation.
“I know what it feels like to let people walk all over you,” she added.
They were similar. They were both being swayed by one another.
He looked up to the sky. A purple flower had fallen off a branch. Spring was over.
The flower’s stem on a wet, lonely branch almost looked like a bud.
“What’s with the long face?”
“… I have indigestion from the fried chicken I had for getting an award. No matter how much I throw it up, it doesn’t go away.”
She sounded like she was suppressing her feelings. She knew Bom had let her win. A person who was exceptionally talented tended to get picked on by others. For that reason, Bom would never try to surpass Sun Hwa.
“I’ve read her paper too. It was the day after I suggested applying to the same contest. That day, I was the first person to show up to the science room.”
What she had said previously made sense. She had been in the same situation as Juho. Then, she had witnessed Bom’s actual talent.
She had been swayed by others before. She had stopped writing because of the harsh criticisms of her friends. The moment she read Bom’s paper, she probably realized that Bom was just like her.
Juho added, “You’re the ‘others’ in this case.”
“That’s right.”
“This entire time, you two were being swayed by each other, AND others.”
Sun Hwa and Bom were not friends after all. She clenched her teeth.
“This time, I’m not going to join in with my friends when they’re laughing at me. I don’t want to be like the punks that looked down on me,” she said. She had laughed with her friends who had been laughing at her. Then, she had stopped writing.
On the other hand, Bom had been busy studying Sun Hwa. She wouldn’t dare to write sincerely. They were very much alike.
“I suggested we apply for different competitions.”
From the moment they started relying on one another, they would’ve been apart for the first time. It was obvious how flustered Bom must have been.
“She was really flustered. She kept pretending that she didn’t understand me, so I had to be direct with her.”
“What did you say to her?”
“To choose for herself.”
That’s why there had been tension between the two. Sun Hwa was wearing a gloomy expression, and Juho said, “You did the right thing.”
Regardless of the result, she had tried to be brave. She had tried to change, but it wasn’t easy. Juho knew better than anybody else how difficult it was to change. Only, he thought it would’ve been better if Sun Hwa had been more honest with Bom, ‘I want to be friends with you.’
Her nose turned red.
“What if Bom doesn’t like me anymore?”
Her voice trembled.
She may have been brave, but after all that, she was still a high school student. It would’ve been challenging for her to handle a friendship that had gone sour. It must have been the same for Bom. When it came down to it, they were alike and in the same year.
‘Is there nothing I can do?’
He raised his hand as he took out a notebook from his pocket. He had been forgetting about it for a moment. Then, he swung his hand and slapped Sun Hwa’s back.
She snapped her head up to the sky.
“OW!”
“Wuss.”
“What’d you call me punk!?”
He added as she fumed with anger, “Isn’t this what you wanted?”
Just like that, she rubbed her back, which was throbbing in pain. He was right. Frankly, he wanted to do what he had just done to her to Bom. ‘Stop being a wuss, and keep moving forward. Don’t think about what others think of you. What are you afraid of? Face it head on.’
However, he couldn’t say that to Bom when Sun Hwa was afraid of it herself. She wasn’t in the position to be able to tell Bom what to do.
“Can I do it?”
“Ask yourself.”
Sun Hwa hesitated and then clenched her hand into a fist.
“If I ask for help now, would I be relying on others still? Would I be repeating what I’ve been doing?” she asked.
Juho answered with a smile, “Then let’s try this.”
“What?”
“I’ll help you before you ask for help.”
After a brief silence, Sun Hwa asked, “Why?”
There was raw emotion in her voice, and Juho answered her, “I want us to have a drink together when we’re older.”
