Pervert Shares a Drink with a Monkey
Prince Elliott was in a bad mood.
“Damn, Rachel………I’ll get you back.”
Looking over his shoulder, he called out to the son of an earl who was among his followers.
“How is Margaret’s condition!?”
“I’m afraid it’s not looking good. She’s still in critical condition.”
The boy shook his head, a solemn expression on his face. Elliott’s mood was growing even more violent.
“Damn! That demon, I should kill her right now………! Making Margaret like this…………damn it! Ah, isn’t there any way we can get that damn plague out of here immediately!? Grrrrr, let’s just set the dungeon on fire and cook her to deeeeeeeeeeath!!”
He screamed as loud as he could…………….and then Elliott’s shoulders fell.
For right behind him,
“Uhehehehe………..Adam’s stunning abs………..ah, so wonderful…………”
Margaret was wrapped up in a moment of bliss, drool leaking from her lips with her eyes clouded over in a dreamy state of mind. Three days had already passed, yet her soul still refused to come back to her.
The earl’s son went on to give a report, still carrying a gloomy look.
“Assuming the worst………the possibility of her becoming a devout Adam Stuart groupie is………..”
“Wha-!? Th, then we’ll just have to stop her if it comes to that! Damn, why is there no doctor for this kind of illness!?”
Watching on as Elliott shouted, raved, and took out his anger on the rooms furnishings, his followers whispered to one another while huddled close.
“Like this, he might really end up setting the dungeon on fire later.”
“Yeah……..but whose job do you think it will be to actually start the fire?”
“As if we had to guess……..as expected, killing someone to harass them is……….”
“Something, isn’t there anything at all to clear away his anger………..?”
Without Elliott noticing, his followers began passing around some ideas.
“Right, let’s go with this.”
“That’s right. This should definitely allow him to let off some steam.”
“Yosh………Your Highness, can I ask you something?”
With the results of the meeting prepared, the marquis’s son Wolanski acted as a representative for the others and raised his hand.
“What is it!?”
“Yes, it’s a one-shot plan for getting back at the growing more impudent by the day Miss Rachel.”
“……….Hoh?”
Having caught Elliott’s interest, Wolanski and the others started to explain their plan. Gradually Elliott’s rage began to subside, eagerness rising in its stead, and each of the followers shared a wink with each other.
“Yosh, let’s do it! We’re carrying out the plan tonight, so make the preparations!”
“Roger!”
Unfortunately the busy young followers failed to notice.
There was a small object sticking to the curtain swaying in the breeze.
♠
“Ooki!”
“Welcome home. How far did you go today?”
Rachel warmly welcomed Haley back after he crawled in through the ventilation window. After she carried him down in her arms and gave his fur a good brushing, the monkey moved over to the end table feeling refreshed.
“Ooki, ook, ook?”
Haley put his finger to his forehead, twirling it around as if to say someone was crazy before in the end making a fist as if swearing revenge.
“Ah, so you went to visit His Highness Elliott then?”
Haley kept going, picking up a nearby pen and striking it against his butt, imitating how somebody would strike a match to start a fire.
“Hmm, do they intend on firing off some fireworks outside my window?”
Haley nodded.
Rachel then hugged Haley close once again, patting the top of his head while praising his efforts.
“Thank you Haley, now I can make a counter plan. Can I ask for your help for a little bit longer?”
“Okkii!”
♠
Late that night.
The men quietly approached the dungeon building under the cover of darkness.
“It looks like her lights are off.”
“Yeah. That girl should’ve fallen asleep……..right about now.”
Elliott and the others fanned out around the ventilation window, quietly setting down the few candles they had brought with them. They then all began to unwrap the bundles they had brought with them.
These were the latest toys, easy-to-use rocket-like fireworks. When you light them, they haphazardly fly into the sky, exploding and creating a loud sound right before the gunpowder runs out……….and they would be firing these toys right into Rachel’s cell. These things would make a good weapon if they were bigger, but right now they had nothing in the way of destructive power other than a flashy noise.
However, that was all they needed for tonight’s aim.
“Kukuku……..tonight, we see that woman’s flustered expression. Yosh, fire away.”
“Yes!”
The men all opened up the bags for the large number of fireworks they had bought, each of them grabbing one at random in preparation to fire……….but when they tried to light them
*papopp!*
A light popping noise could be heard from the ventilation window……….and then the same type of fireworks they were just about to ignite came flying at them. A lot of them.
“Uoh!?”
“What!?”
Because the men had all spread out to try and surround the window, someone could easily fire from there in any direction and come close to hitting somebody. The fireworks that kept firing one after another tore through the men’s positioning.
“Damn, she beat us to the punch!”
“Miss Rachel is only one person, how is she shooting so many like this!?”
Although there were seven, eight people eagerly returning fire, the small ventilation window was a difficult target to hit as it was, and that was without the inaccurate fireworks oftentimes flying off towards the day after tomorrow.
“Why………!?”
“Oi, why isn’t this working at all!?”
Elliott’s side fell into chaos as if they never had a plan to begin with.
“This is actually pretty fun too.”
From the beginning Rachel had been firing off fireworks after setting them down on a corrugated sheet. Once ignited, they would follow along the grooves set in the sheet and fly off out of the dungeon. She had never fired fireworks before, but her accuracy was still much better than Elliott and the other guys who were all trying to aim the fireworks by pointing them in a general direction.
“Ooki!”
Haley was also having a fun time setting the fireworks down on the sheet.
“Do you think it’s about time for our special fireworks?”
“Ooki!”
“Calm down! We only have one target, so if everyone aims together, we can win this!”
Elliott was trying to quell the chaos in his ranks.
*PAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPA! CRACK!!*
All of the sudden, one shot made a loud, flashy noise completely different from what was echoing before.
“What’s that!?”
“Oii, the sound and power are so different!”
As these new fireworks continued firing their way, the son of a baron who had also become an apprentice knight was able to figure out what they were from their silhouette as they flew through the air.
“She’s bundled the fireworks together! Three, four of them……..she’s tied firecrackers around them!?”
“Such a move………!”
Even if you understand that these fireworks don’t have any power to them, there’s still that moment of shock when they land right next to you. Moreover the sound and power of the explosion was more powerful then what they guys had been expecting……”
A situation where seven, eight people were being outgunned by just one other person.
But the real tragedy had yet to begin.
“Huh?”
As one of the men prepared to take his next shot, he was left slightly confused when he noticed there were no more fireworks in his sack. He looked around to see where they might have gone……..when he saw that a monkey had collected everyone else’s bags as well, and was just about to light all their fuses in one go.
“H, Hey wait! If you light those like that…………..!?”
At the same time as the monkey jumped back, the fire he had lit spread out, resulting in the gathered fireworks exploding out, erratically flying in every single direction.
“Uwaa!”
“R, Run away!!”
Everyone was running around aimlessly as the fireworks flew off in any direction with no rhyme or reason, exploding at their feet. To help the chaos along, the monkey was lighting some extra firecrackers too, throwing them this way and that.
And then, the greatest tragedy of all.
Once all the explosions had finally come to an end, a figure suddenly appeared before Elliott after he sat down completely exhausted.
“………..?”
Elliott raised his head……..and saw the head court lady.
“Your Highness……..I believe we had a talk about this the other day, but I guess it didn’t really sink in huh…………?”
“Ah, no………”
“My office is a good place for a sermon don’t you think? Or……..perhaps you’d prefer to sit in seiza at the front entrance for the people who have to work the night shift?”
“………….the office.”
♠
“That was awful………”
Elliott plodded along back to his living room.
He had eaten a sermon that seemed like it would never end, gone on to scold those underlings who had come up with such an awful plan, and was now mentally exhausted in all sorts of way………he just wanted to get some sleep at this point. No longer thinking about anything, he just wanted to fall into his bed.
Taking off his jacket in his living room, he opened up his bedroom door deciding to just sleep with his shirt on just as he was……..when the last tragedy of the night struck.
Once Elliott opened the door to his bedroom………….he found a monkey.
“Hah?”
Rubbing his eyes, the monkey was still there. It had a stern look on its face……….and a torch in its hand.
“Eh? You, hold on, that is!?”
The monkey tossed the torch over to Elliott, using the opportunity from Elliott flinching to run past him.
“Damn, guards! An arson monkey is running away!”
Not even fully understanding what he himself was saying, it would be impossible for anyone else to think that a monkey had been carrying a torch around in Elliott’s bedroom.
“Rachel, suddenly sending someone to commit arson………!?”
There’s only one fool in the royal palace with a white haired monkey for a pet. Elliott stepped on the torch the monkey had thrown at him to put it out, wondering what exactly it was he had set on fire with it.
After a quick sweep of the room, the monkey hadn’t lit any of his furniture on fire.
There was nothing burning at all actually, and he was starting to think that maybe the monkey hadn’t planned on setting anything on fire in here. However………he did end up finding something in this room that wasn’t there before.
“What the, this is………..?”
When Elliott walked further into his bedroom, he found a few saucepans lying here and there scattered across his floor. There were probably about ten of them.
There was a pile of pine resin and wood chips mixed together on top of a plate underneath the saucepan. It was this blended fuel the monkey had set on fire. The saucepan was being heated up over this medium flame, and upon further inspection, these saucepans were filled with oil and corn kernels.
Elliott didn’t know what popcorn was.
Before Elliott was able to do anything (of course even if he had tried putting out the fire right away it wouldn’t have gone out so easily………), the first grain exploded out of the saucepan.
*POP*
“Eh, what!?”
There was just a single, light popping sound, but it quickly accelerated into something more.
*POPPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPA!!*
A slew of white kernels flew up at him.
In the blink of an eye the situation had gotten out of control as Elliott was struck from top to bottom by a violent downpour of white hail.
“Ow, OW! What is this!?”
And then the powerful smell of the oil filled the room………..
The guard knights who rushed into the room were unable to do anything to help. They didn’t know what popcorn was either and were unsure if throwing water at it would just make things worse.
The white kernels continued to grow in number even as the head court lady rushed into the room………..and by the time the explosion that nobody understood was finished, Elliott’s bedroom was coated in a bed of fluffy, white grains.
♠
An exhausted Wolanski was walking down a hallway near the rear garden in the back yard. Partway down he wanted to rest for a bit, so he sat down on some steps a little ways away.
“Haa………..I’m worn out.”
The strain from today’s pointless efforts were particularly bad. By no means had he ever thought Miss Rachel would be able to perform a counterattack with her own fireworks…….did she have those things on her since she was first imprisoned? She really is a dreadful noblewoman.
“Ah…….it would be great to be abused by such a noblewoman with a flat chest………”
Miss Rachel was the exact opposite. She was tall and beautiful, lacking that cute atmosphere.
“She’s overflowing with her own natural charms as well of course……..but after all, Miss Margaret is better, surely.”
Agreeing with himself, he looked out ahead of him………and found a monkey. It looked like he was just passing through while carrying a basket on his back. His name was surely…….
“………..Henry?”
Wasn’t he Miss Rachel’s pet? Almost assuredly.
“Ooki!”
The monkey earnestly shook his head, but Wolanski was pretty sure there wouldn’t be two such monkeys in the royal palace. He wasn’t sure why this monkey was so stubbornly trying to deny the obvious, but well, he wasn’t like His Highness and wouldn’t try to bully the poor creature.
“I don’t particularly mind if you prowl around……..or are you causing a bit of mischief somewhere?”
He wasn’t sure if the monkey could actually understand him, but he decided to talk to it anyway. As expected, Wolanski had no way of knowing he was on his way back after causing a grand scene in Elliott’s room.
“Hm?”
Before Wolanski had realized it, Henry had started to get closer, staring at his face. Apparently pets tend to get anxious when they’re around people who aren’t their owners.
Henry reached into his back basket, pulling out an orange. He then presented it to Wolanski.
“Ooki!”
“What, for me? You, such a good guy………”
Henry handed over the orange before taking a seat next to Wolanski. The monkey looked up at him as if to say, “If you have something you need to get off your chest, I’ll listen.”
“I see, pets are cute like this.”
Understanding Henry’s intentions, the complaints slowly started flowing from Wolanski’s lips, his irritation and grumblings laid out in full display.
“And that’s how it is. I’m trying my best, but it’s impossible to get any results……..”
Whether or not the monkey really understood what Wolanski was saying, he was nodding his head “Right right” as if he did. And when a break appeared in Wolanski’s story, he motioned as if to say, “Just a moment,” and then disappeared somewhere………..coming back a few minutes later carrying a mini-bottle of whiskey and a couple of small glasses.
“Ooki!”
He set the two cups down on the ground, dexterously pouring some of the amber-colored liquid in each one, before handing one of the glasses over to Wolanski.
“Ooki!”
“Hey, where did this come from?”
“Ookiki!”
“Eh? Your Master’s? She’ll only get angry at you, so I shouldn’t worry about it? Henry you, you’re a real man……..”
prison life v2 8
Wolanski was overcome with admiration while clinking his glass against the monkeys.
Obviously Henry didn’t actually drink from his cup because monkeys can’t have alcohol, but just the motion really helped make the atmosphere that they were a couple of buddies at a tavern talking about their feelings. Henry did pretty well as a server, continuing to listen to Wolanski’s worries and nodding his head all while continuing to fill up Wolanski’s cup every time it was emptied.
It didn’t take long for Wolanski to end up dead drunk, grumbling to Henry with the pain of an abused office worker.
“His Highness re~ally tru~ly doesn’t care about my hard work.”
“Ookiki”
“Yeah, yeah you’re right! Hah, a subordinate’s troubles might as well be a stranger’s!”
“Ooki~!”
“Understand? You get it? That’s right!”
“Ooki, Ookiki!”
“I should slap him with my resignation letter? Ahaha, I should!”
Although this might count as being by himself, it was still nice having someone there who can listen to your problems. If the other party was another noble or even someone he was married to, it would be difficult to just completely let yourself go like this.
By the time the bottle had been drained, Wolanski was feeling a lot better.
“All right, I should head home.”
“Ookii!”
“Huh? Oh, no worries, I’ll grab a carriage at the doors. Yeah, thanks Henry!”
Henry put the no longer needed empty bottle and glasses into his back basket, and then tried handing over some kind of hard cloth.
“Hm? What’s this?”
“Ooki. Kiikii!”
“Something good? Most guys greatly enjoy this? Hahaha, thanks for the treasure, I’ll happily receive it.”
“Ookiki!”
Giving Henry a firm, farewell handshake, Wolanski walked away under the starry sky.
He felt like all of his troubles had been washed away. Starting tomorrow he would be able to do his best.
Gazing up at the night’s full moon, Wolanski narrowed his eyes in a good mood.
And then when he tried passing through the castle’s first gate, he was stopped for questioning by the guards because of how suspicious he looked.
♠
“Aren’t you the marquis’s heir Wolanski………..thanks for your hard work.”
Contrary to his courteous words, the knight blocking Wolanski’s path had suspicion written all over his face. Another knight circled around behind.
“It seems he’s had a lot to drink………there wasn’t a party tonight was there? Were you drinking with His Highness?”
“No, but I was drinking with another friend just now.”
“Hoh……..and this person who was giving you alcohol in the royal palace is called………?”
“Umu, Henry the monkey.”
Perhaps if this was the usual Wolanski, he may have been able to present the truth in a better way. But he had a lot to drink before this. And though it may have just been a mini-bottle of whiskey that he drained, it’s no exaggeration to say that drinking even that much alcohol on your own can make most humans dead drunk.
But it wasn’t a question about alcohol that caught the knight’s attention, it was the monkey who supposedly gave it to him. The look in the knights’ eyes during their interrogation changed.
“……..Your Grace, this isn’t the time for jokes?”
“But I’m not joking!”
“I see. So then, who did you drink with?”
“I told you, Henry the monkey.”
“…………..I see. Well then, let’s put aside my hundred doubts and say you drank with a monkey. Why were you drinking with this monkey?”
Wolanski puffed out his chest, giving a grand reply only alcohol can draw out.
“Ah, he was listening to me complain about my job!”
“………..complain about your job? With a monkey?”
“Yeah!”
“………..What did the monkey?”
“Hmm. He recommended that if I’m having a hard time, I should slap my boss in the face with a resignation letter!”
“……..the monkey did?”
“Yeah, of course. After all, there was nobody else there besides me and Henry.”
“…………I see.”
After that last question the knight in front sent a look to the one standing behind Wolanski. This knight charged with cutting off the suspect’s escape route left for a moment, returning with another guard from the castle gate for backup.
“By the way………what’s that thing Your Grace is holding?”
Wolanski was still holding in his hand the [something] that Henry had given him some time ago.
“Now that you mention it, what is it?”
Unfolding the cloth……..something to support the bulges on a woman’s chest, was what it was.
“………it looks like, some underwear for a young girl.”
“Hmm, it is. One on the bustier side as well.”
“…………..so would you mind telling us where you got it?”
“This? Henry gave it to me while we were drinking together.”
“The monkey?”
“The monkey.”
The knight didn’t know what else had to be said, so he told the other guards waiting that they would be bringing the young nobleman to the Knights’ Order’s office.
“No, wait wait! Really. I really did get this from a monkey!”
“……….putting my ten thousand doubts aside…………why did this monkey, give Your Grace some poor woman’s underwear?”
“He did it as proof of our friendship!”
The interrogating knight whispered to one of his comrades.
“Hey, it might be better to get more backup.”
“I’ll make the preparations.”
“Why are we going that route!?”
“The very fact that you’re wondering that is amazing………but okay, let’s change the question. Why do you think the monkey gave you some ladies underwear as a sign of friendship?”
“Ah, because………what kind of guy wouldn’t enjoy getting these?”
“Hey, go look for any women nearby who may have been assaulted. After coming this far, any victims this guy in heat may have gotten his hands on could have been a woman of high status.”
“Thinking about this guy’s mental state, I don’t think he’d discriminate by age either.”
“Just-a-mo-ment, why are you guys treating me like I’m so strange!?”
“The very fact that you have to ask is proof enough………..pardon me. It’s because you’re saying that a monkey gave you these.”
“But I know the owner!? I’m certain that this underwear I got from Henry belongs to Miss Rachel Ferguson”
“So then tell me, why didn’t you try and return them?”
“Because it’s packed full of Henry’s friendship!”
“Hey, for now go to the dungeon and check on Miss Ferguson.”
“Maybe we should throw this guy in the dungeon first?”
“Did you honestly suggest we put a noblewoman and a degenerate in the dungeon together!?”
Wolanski tried to protest as the knights started openly discussing what to do with him in front of him, not even making any attempts at whispering by this point.
“You guys, do you think I have a hobby of stealing Miss Rachel’s underwear!?”
“Eh? Well, to be honest”
“Gimme a break!”
Wolanski struck his chest out in pride…………and then, he spoke with the eternal prestige that came with being the president of the Kingdom Petaism Association.
“It’s impossible for me to ever be interested in Miss Rachel’s underwear! I am a Petaist!? Only flat chests can hold my interest!”
“Oi, grab as many people as you can! It’d be a major problem if we let this lolicon escape!”
“You guys!? I just told you, I’m a Petaist! Why are you treating me like I’m a lolicon!?”
“Considering everything you’ve told us so far, how are we not supposed to think of you as a lolicon!?”
“You guys are all idiots!”
A man of his beliefs, Wolanski advanced on the guards, making a grand declaration for all to hear.
“Petaist’s are people who love modest bulges! Lolicons are people who love small children! These two things are completely different, and it’s a mistake to think they’re anything alike! There’s a single moment of overlap, but the interests and preferences are completely different!”
“Yes yes, we’ll hear the rest over in the Knights Order’s office. Now, don’t resist!”
That day.
Those who bore witness to a young nobleman being dragged away by some of the palace guards saw him sorrowfully cry to the heavens.
“You’re wrong! They’re completely different! It’s fine, petas aren’t lolis! PETAS AREN’T LOLIIIIIIIIIIIIS!”
♠
At an unusual time in the dungeon, the chief agent Sofia came to deliver a report.
“His Majesty the King’s group is slowly making their way back to the capitol, and I wanted to discuss our plan of action.”
“Yes. There will be an uproar once His Majesty returns, and I don’t want any problems at that time.”
As his Masters continued with their discussion, Haley was eating an apple when he recalled the young man he had met in a corridor a short time ago.
He was a careless man who couldn’t get Haley’s name right, but he was a funny guy too the way he laughed and cried. He was upset about a bunch of things that Haley didn’t really understand that well, but since he went home in a good mood, his problems were probably solved.
In addition, Haley had given him the thing that all human guys like. Master has plenty of them, so it’s probably fine.
Hopefully he gets to live a happy life.
Haley wished that from the bottom of his heart while looking up at the starry night sky through the ventilation window.
♠
“Your Highness, according to the chefs, this stuff is apparently called popcorn. Are you going to eat it?”
“Why would I care about that right now!? Damn you Rachel, I can’t sleep like thiiiiiiiiiiiiiis!!”
