Ch54 – Tears
Translated by: DMlations/Zryuu
Edited by: Amelea, FistFullOfDollars and Juurensha
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“Ryuusei? Are you there? Does this house belong to the two of you?” Yu Hao looked around the room that was completely empty.
“Yes. This was our home in Manhattan.” Nakagawa Ryuusei’s voice rang out, “And it was our ‘next life’ that Nicky promised.”
As soon as he stopped speaking, Ryuusei walked over from the living room.
Yu Hao immediately got off the bed and asked in astonishment, “Ryuusei, you can talk? Then why didn’t you talk just before?”
Ryuusei was a little restrained as he nodded, “I am unable to speak the moment I leave this place. I can only speak when I’m at home. I know you’re Yu Hao, I’ll……make a cup of coffee for you ba? Please, take a seat.”
Yu Hao’s only thought was that this entire situation completely and thoroughly put into practice all the rules of dreamscapes — it seemed incredibly surreal. One minute he was still in Chichén Itzá, and the next he had crossed into Chen Yekai’s house in New York.
Yu Hao looked up at the ceiling. There were no cracks in it, so how was he supposed to get out?
“I don’t really have any friends.” Ryuusei said, “You’re welcome to visit.”
Ryuusei’s Chinese seemed a bit unnatural. Yu Hao noticed that he was wearing a black Japanese high school uniform over his white shirt, looking quite refined and handsome. He twisted open the coffee pot and added some Japanese-style UCC instant coffee into two bamboo cups.
“Did you buy this house?” Yu Hao’s attention was distracted, “A house in Manhattan, Chen Laoshi really is rich.”
“Yes.” Ryuusei answered simply.
“Why do I care about this?” Yu Hao didn’t know if he should cry or laugh, “I’m sorry, I’m really too crass.”
There were no doors in Ryuusei and Chen Yekai’s home. Yu Hao tried to draw the curtains that were illuminated by the sun only to find a wall behind them. This meant that he would be unable to leave by the usual means.
Ryuusei carried a wooden tray over; it was set with coffee, sugar, and milk, and there was even a small Napoleon cake on it. Yu Hao took a sip; the coffee was very fragrant.
“That’s the kind Nicky likes.” Ryuusei’s expression was serene, “I hope you like it too. There’s only this dessert in the house. I brought it for Nicky too, but he has never eaten it.”
“Thank you.” Yu Hao said, “I like it a lot.”
The two of them sat at the dining table. Yu Hao wanted to say something, but he was mostly preoccupied with thoughts of how to leave this place, whether or not Zhou Sheng and Chen Yekai had arrived at the well in Chichén Itzá, and what will happen next. But then he recalled the events that had transpired before he fell here: the Dark Ryuusei outside the well had been indirectly shot and killed by this bright Ryuusei, so maybe when they arrived at the well, they would also be looking for Yu Hao?
Yu Hao’s mind was swirling with chaotic thoughts and he didn’t know where to start. The two of them just stared at the table cloth. For some reason, Yu Hao had a strong impression that there was a peaceful, tacit understanding between he and Ryuusei as they enjoyed their time together, even if they didn’t speak much.
Finally, Ryuusei spoke.
Ryuusei, “When I was with Nicky, we could also sit here quietly for an entire day. He would sit in your seat and read.”
“What about you?” Yu Hao asked.
“I’d watch him.” Ryuusei answered.
His hair was slightly long, but his eyes were very bright, as if the whole world would become tranquil in his presence.
“Are you here to save him?” Ryuusei asked.
Yu Hao and Ryuusei looked at each other, and happened to set down their cups at the same time.
Yu Hao nodded and asked doubtfully, “What is the meaning behind your existence here? Is this a safe haven?”
This was a question Yu Hao asked himself. He didn’t expect an answer. In fact, he had tried to converse with the NPCs in his dream world, and the answers he got were always specious.
At that time, he had said, “The totem could be in the well, or Ryuusei himself could be the totem.” And both guesses were right! It was basically a divine prophecy!
“But……” Yu Hao said, “Outside the well, who was the other you who attacked us?”
“Let’s start from the beginning ba.” Ryuusei said, “I should have left a long time ago. But Nicky couldn’t bear to part with me, so he locked me in the inn and didn’t let me leave.”
“Where do you want to go?” Yu Hao frowned, and thought that this whole world was Chen Yekai’s inner heart, so where could Ryuusei go?”
“Here.” Ryuusei pointed at the dining table, “This was the next life we promised each other, but he refused.”
“He said that he would often go to the inn to see me, so I just continued living like that in the inn. Until one day, when this shirt disappeared from my body.” As he spoke, he opened his student blazer to show Yu Hao the white shirt within, “I thought that perhaps the time had come,, so I decided to leave and find him, and come to the place that I would eventually return to.”
Yu Hao, “……”
Yu Hao recalled how he had borrowed Chen Yekai’s white shirt on the night of the college’s celebratory performance, and immediately felt guilty.
“I understand.” Yu Hao muttered, “So it was because of me.”
Outside the well.
After Dark Ryuusei revived, a dark and dense fog swept through the cenote of Chichén Itzá. Chen Yekai could no longer see anything else, while Zhou Sheng remained vigilant as he scrutinised everything in the vicinity — especially the Feathered Serpent god statue that was nearly five-metres tall. He was on guard against its possible revival at any time.
“Nicky.” Dark Ryuusei spoke within the chaotic, churning darkness , “Do you feel guilty?”
Chen Yekai choked, “I’m sorry, Ryuusei, I’m sorry……that’s what I’ve always wanted to say.”
“That’s not your true confession.” Dark Ryuusei let out a roar at the brink of madness, “Even now, you’re still not willing to truly face me?!”
“……your arrogance and pride was your downfall.” Ryuusei’s voice was deep and low, like a devil borne from darkness, “You occupied the superior position in this relationship; you thought that the love you gave me was a reward, that it was out of your pity for me!”
Chen Yekai’s expression suddenly became calm. He held back the tears that welled up in his eyes, “Yes, Ryuusei, I understand now.”
Dark Ryuusei’s voice held a hint of surprise, “What do you understand?”
Chen Yekai, “I understand your love for me.”
The dense fog that had engulfed the cenote began to gradually disperse, revealing Chen Yekai and Dark Ryuusei’s figures. Zhou Sheng thought in his heart, good job! Ryuusei’s dark power seemed to slowly diminish in front of Chen Yekai and gathered towards an area near the entrance of the well.
Chen Yekai, “I also understand the words you said to me every day when we were together.”
Dark Ryuusei walked slowly towards Chen Yekai and looked at him from across the well.
“I understand your unease.” Chen Yekai said, “Your gaze that always looked like you were on the verge of saying something, and your fear of losing me. But, you’re the one who doesn’t understand! I loved you too! Ryuusei!”
Chen Yekai practically roared out these last few sentences, which actually made Dark Ryuusei take a step back.
Chen Yekai said sorrowfully, “I was also learning how to love someone! Learning how to get along with you! I didn’t know how to care for our marriage. I didn’t know what I had to do to give you what you wanted. I wanted to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you! I know, my life is filled with an abundance of choices, but you only had me in yours.”
After he spoke up to this point, Chen Yekai let out a long sigh. The sound of running water encompassed them. Zhou Sheng immediately turned to take in his surroundings. Water was beginning to drip down from the ceiling and seep into this room; it was what he had suppressed in his heart for four entire years — his repressed tears that had converged to form the immense Iguazu Falls.
In the hotel.
Tears trickled from the corner of Chen Yekai’s eyes, sliding down his cheek and dropping onto his pillow.
Yu Hao unconsciously turned his head, while Zhou Sheng raised his arm in his sleep to let Yu Hao rest on his shoulder.
Bottom of the Well: Next Life.
“No.” Ryuusei said earnestly, “Please don’t blame yourself. I just hope that he can be happy. My original intention for doing that wasn’t to punish him, but because I wished for him to not have to face so many choices, and accept the pain that comes from finally making a decision.”
“Everything else can start anew.” Yu Hao said earnestly, “But the one thing he couldn’t bear was losing you.”
In this moment, Yu Hao suddenly had the strange sense that the person before him wasn’t the Ryuusei in Chen Yekai’s consciousness, but the soul of the real Ryuusei that had transcended time and space.
Nakagawa Ryuusei got up, walked over to the gramophone and played a song. The music started, and it was the song《Perfect 》that ED and Beyonce sung together.
“Cause we were just kids when we fell in love.”
“Not knowing what it was——”
“Everyone thinks that death might be very painful.” Ryuusei said calmly, “But for someone who suffers from depression, death is a kind of relief instead, so why can’t we regard it as a parting that was predestined? We spent the happiest days of our lives together, but I became ill, and it was from an incurable hereditary disease. Rather than suffer through the last days of life, why not……”
Yu Hao was starting to understand Ryuusei’s final thoughts.
“Why not cherish every day, every minute, and every second that you still had left together?” Yu Hao said softly.
“Yes.” Ryuusei said, “That really was the case for me. I know very well that my illness was something I inherited from my family, and I was doomed to never recover. I had no regrets over the time I spent with him either……if you think of it in that way, is it easier to understand?”
Yu Hao recalled a chapter on cognitive behavioural therapy from one of his major’s classes — it mentioned that the causes of depression weren’t entirely clear, but their present understanding was that it had a very complex relationship with heredity, the endocrine system, and the functions and regeneration of nerves; there were even specific gene locations within chromosomes that had been discovered to have a clear correlation with severe depression.
According to unofficial data, the prevalence of depression in China has reached a prevalence of approximately 3%, and this wasn’t a kind of psychological disorder that could be resolved just by asking patients to “get over it”. Once it was diagnosed, the patients would need to regularly take medication, and for those who suffer from severe depression, even if they do obtain temporary relief from their condition, the rate of relapse is as high as 60%. Many patients need to take medication for life.
However, in China, depression is still merely framed as a mental disorder and has rarely been taken seriously.
“In the Mayan civilization, death is not the end, but the beginning of a new journey. Life is splendid, but fleeting — however, just like a flower, it will bloom again after it withers. We will constantly move back and forth in samsara, so we’ll definitely meet again in the end, it’s not a final farewell……I digress.” Ryuusei explained with the flowing music in the background, “So, I returned to Chichén Itzá and went to that well.”
Yu Hao said, “He locked the you in his heart in the inn, maybe because he didn’t want you to leave just like that; he wasn’t willing to move on, yet he didn’t want to let you go either, and he’s even less willing to let you enter samsara like this.”
Nakagawa Ryuusei watched Yu Hao, and answered in almost a whisper, “Yes, you’re right.”
The connections between the series of events in Chen Yekai’s conscious world suddenly became very clear in Yu Hao’s mind — the dead Ryuusei in his heart wanted to walk towards Chichén Itzá and go to the so-called ‘next life’ to wait for Chen Yekai, but Chen Yekai had never been able to accept Ryuusei’s departure.
Thus, in his dream, the totem Ryuusei has always stayed in the inn ‘Beginning and the End’.
“Just as I wanted to head to the next life, I met Lin Laoshi at the well in Chichén Itzá.” Ryuusei said, “He polluted me and separated me into two halves. He took away a part of me, that dark consciousness, then cast the current me down to the bottom of the well. I don’t want things to end like this, so, Yu Hao, I would like to seek your help.”
“He’s very outstanding.” Ryuusei said, “But I think, I’m just a transient guest in his life. What he gave me in this life, to be exact, was not love, but sympathy. The half that Lin Laoshi took away…was the sole obsession I held for Nicky, in this relationship.”
Yu Hao, “No, it’s not like that, Ryuusei.”
Nakagawa Ryuusei looked up at Yu Hao, and Yu Hao gave him a sad, and faint smile.
“Your existence is proof of his love for you.” Yu Hao said with an expectant gaze, “I believe that in his past world, his totem wasn’t you. But ever since you entered his life, you had turned into the sole totem he possesses.”
Nakagawa Ryuusei’s gaze contained slight surprise. Yu Hao continued, “Everyone’s totem is the embodiment of their meaning, their persistence, as well as the person they want to be. Ryuusei, go back with me ba, return to his side. Only you can do it — you can give him the courage to return to that place under the sun.”
“I remember that you wrote him a letter.”
Ryuusei, “I remember too. But, I think he should have also given you something, which would be indispensable in defeating Lin Laoshi.”
A chill ran through Yu Hao’s heart, “What is it?”
Ryuusei slowly shook his head.
Outside the well.
“They told me that everyone has a totem in their heart; it is the symbol of what I hold dearest to me. If I find it, I’ll be able to become myself……” Chen Yekai enunciated each word clearly, “Ryuusei, I think, if this totem really exists in my heart, then……it should look like you ba.”
Dark Ryuusei stood startled, and momentarily speechless.
Chen Yekai, “Destroying you, would be akin to destroying myself. But I’m certain that I love you. Until now, that is the one conviction that I firmly believe in. Even now, after four years have passed, those best moments in our lives are still engraved in my memory, and I don’t want to let you leave like this.”
“It’s as if, as long as I don’t open that letter and say goodbye to you, then we would never part — whether in this life, or the next.”
“Liar……you liar……” Dark Ryuusei’s voice trembled, “I’m going to kill you!”
Zhou Sheng suddenly said, “Ryuusei! You left Nicky a letter, didn’t you?! What did you say in the letter? Have you forgiven him, or do you want him to die with you?”
A sudden silence descended on the central area. Dark Ryuusei’s eyes widened as he stared at Chen Yekai, and for a moment, he was unable to respond to that question.
Chen Yekai said slowly, “Ryuusei, the past you would rather hurt yourself than let me suffer any pain……Ryuusei?” Realisation seemed to dawn upon Chen Yekai, and his voice trembled, “Is that really what you think? Why……”
“Ryuusei!” Chen Yekai suddenly said, “This isn’t you! Who deluded you?!”
After Dark Ryuusei heard these words, he let out a pained cry; Chen Yekai’s acknowledgement seemed to have a very strong impact on him; it made the black smoke that had enshrouded him scatter behind him to reveal a ferocious gaze.
Chen Yekai, “……”
Zhou Sheng, “That’s not him! Kaikai! That’s a fake! Shoot him!”
Dark Ryuusei let out a mad roar and rushed towards Chen Yekai. Before Zhou Sheng could brandish his jingubang, Chen Yekai suddenly drew his gun, and after a brief moment of hesitation, Ryuusei’s face underwent a bizarre change. Chen Yekai no longer hesitated. He pointed the muzzle of the gun at “Ryuusei” and pulled the trigger!
The sound of the gunshot was so jarring that Zhou Sheng’s eardrums suffered. The bullet left the muzzle of the gun, rotated, and whistled towards Ryuusei; but the Feathered Serpent god moved instantaneously, and with one swoop, it rushed past Ryuusei and blocked the shot!
The Feathered Serpent god flew away, revealing the appearance of Lin Xun.
“Hahahaha……”
“Hahaha……”
Lin Xun laughed with a sinister expression, then said coldly, “Nicky, it seems……you’ve finally decided to abandon Ryuusei! I spent so much effort separating the two of you, and it looks like they have not been made in vain.”
Zhou Sheng suddenly realised a serious problem, “No way, the boss is you?!”
The surrounding walls in the cenote area instantly began to fall apart; the overhead wire mesh crumbled, and a huge platform rose. Under the dark sky, Chichén Itzá was disintegrating! A hurricane swept through countless huge stones and bricks in all directions; this massive pyramid was disintegrating layer by layer, and only a lone platform rose towards the sky.
Dark clouds raced across the horizon and bolts of lightning struck everywhere; the conscious world had already transformed into a sea of fire. Amidst Lin Xun’s mad roars, black flames burst forth from his body. Bricks fell as the grand platform rose to a great height, and only the throne of Chichén Itzá in front of the well remained. The ground expanded until it became a square that occupied nearly ten thousand square metres of space; Lin Xun turned and sat on the throne. The Feathered Serpent god behind him revived and began to wander.
Chen Yekai’s voice was hoarse, “Laoshi, why did you……do that! Why——!”
Lin Xun said coldly, “You should always heed Laoshi’s words, why get so involved with a depressed youngster?I went through a lot of trouble and used so many methods before Ryuusei finally left you. A bright future awaits you, and you’ll become someone even more outstanding than you think in the future, Nicky. Don’t let all my kindness go in one ear and out the other……”
“You hid this secret for four years!” Chen Yekai was immensely aggrieved and indignant; he held his gun with both hands and pointed it at Lin Xun, then shouted, “I should have killed you a long time ago!”
Lin Xun said coldly, “The cause of his death had been sown a long time ago. No matter how good I am at psychologically manipulating people, I could have never persuaded him to commit suicide — if you hadn’t ignored him, how could Ryuusei have died?”
Against the pitch black backdrop of the sky, the entire conscious world had already been submerged in a sea of fire. Flames ran rampant everywhere on the earth, clouds of ash rose and billowed upwards into the horizon. Thunder and lightning shook the dark sky. The Feathered Serpent god whizzed through the air as it rushed forth, but Zhou Sheng had long since been prepared for it. Right before it lunged towards Chen Yekai, he shot forward and stood in front of Chen Yekai with his shield raised to block the attack!
The shield suddenly expanded, and with a “dang”, it collided with the Feathered Serpent god. The Feathered Serpent god unleashed a discordant cry that sounded like the clashing of gold and steel. It soared into the air and beat its wings to bring forth a violent gale.
—
