“Who was that?” Shiro asked curiously as she sat down on the bed with a sigh.
“You noticed them?”
“Mn, but I didn’t see who it was. I just know that someone was there.” Shiro nodded.
“Is that so? Well it was Madi but it seems like she’s busy with something else.” Nan Tian replied.
“So it was Madi huh? What do you think she thought of when she saw me fail to leave?” She asked while glancing down at her hands.
“I’m sure it’s nothing bad. I’d wager that she’s cheering you on.” Nan Tian smiled.
Staying silent for a moment, Shiro glanced up and opened her mouth.
However, before she said a single word, her eyes flickered for a moment before sighing and let out a small laugh.
“I’m really desperate right now.” Shiro muttered.
“I can tell. You seemed to have wanted to suggest something just now.” Nan Tian nodded his head.
“Mn… I was about to suggest that I suppress my memories so that I could act like this never happened. But that’s just running away. Even if I tried, I’d get suspicious. There’s simply too much that has happened which is tied to Isilia. The memories would return quickly and then I’ll be back at the beginning.” Shiro sighed and glanced up at the ceiling.
“If I want to ‘fix’ myself, I can’t run away.”
“That is true.” Nan Tian smiled.
“Pretty inspiring huh? I might start writing quotes haha.” Shiro joked with a soft laugh as she looked at the door.
“But I suppose I can try brute forcing it.” She said as she aimed her palm at the door.
“If I just destroy this door that I’m so afraid of and see what’s on the other side, do you think my fears will disappear?” Shiro asked.
Thinking about it for a moment, Nan Tian hesitated before shaking his head.
“It depends but I don’t think brute forcing it is the best option right now.”
“Mn is that so? Well you have a point.” Shiro shrugged as she hugged her knees.
“I’ll be honest, I don’t think things will ever be the same anymore. I don’t think I can be as fearless as I was before now that Isilia was taken before me. I’ll be honest, I’m dreading the thought of fighting the watchman again, even if I grow stronger.” Shiro chuckled as Nan Tian closed his eyes.
“That’s true. However, I do believe that there will never be a ‘same’ you. Things happening around you will change you ever so slightly. Some might bring about a large change, some might be so small that practically nothing changes at all. But in the end they combine into the present ‘you’. Sometimes you need to take a step back in order to proceed. I think that this taste of fear is the step back that you needed.” Nan Tian hesitated for a moment before speaking his mind.
Hearing this, Shiro contemplated silently as her lips eventually curved up into a small smile.
Resting her head on her arm, she looked at her left hand that was holding onto his sleeve.
“Perhaps you’re right. But how big of a step back do you think this is?” Shiro asked as Nan Tian chuckled.
“This is quite a big step back if you ask me.”
“Well aren’t you just sh*t at comforting people. Making me feel depressed again.” Shiro giggled softly.
“You certainly don’t look depressed right now. I know that face, you’re probably thinking about something outrageous aren’t you?” Nan Tian smiled since it’s been a while since he had last seen this expression.
“Mn… maybe. But even if I’m thinking of something outrageous, I can’t do anything right now.” Shiro laid down on the bed and closed her eyes.
“Well no matter what you choose, I’ll be supporting you from the back.”
Hearing this, Shiro smiled.
###
Finding herself in the same labyrinth, Shiro glanced down at her hand and she was already shaking from dread.
“I suppose you are what they call my mental demon. If I don’t surpass you, I won’t ever get past my fear.” Shiro muttered as she looked towards the figure who held a dead corpse of Isilia in his hand.
Staying silent, he stared at her with eerie calmness.
“Nothing. Figures. But I think I’ve troubled everyone long enough now.” She forced a smile as she punched her thigh to stop her leg from shaking.
Putting on a brave front, Shiro wanted to confront her demon.
If there was someone else seeing this right now, they would think that it was similar to a young cub backed into a corner by a predator.
Shiro’s defence was filled with gaps, her legs unsteady. Her breathing uneven. Her eyes would dart around but she would force them to look her fear straight in the face.
Gritting her teeth, she took the first step forward and punched towards the watchman.
###
Snapping her eyes open, Shiro panted heavily as cold sweat filled her back.
“Are you ok?” Nan Tian asked with concern as it’s been a while since she had last woke up in a cold sweat.
However, unlike the other times, there was a new glimmer in her eyes.
A hint of her fighting spirit.
‘Not yet huh?’ she thought to herself with a sigh.
“Mn I’m fine.” Shiro replied with a nod.
She knew that she couldn’t overcome her fear that easily. But even so, this was the first step. If she can act against it once, she can do it again. She had to admit that she was scared. She was completely fearful of his presence but for the ones she cherished, she had to set aside this fear.
She didn’t want to betray the hopes that they had for her.
She didn’t want to let down Nan Tian who had taken care of her broken self month after month without complaining.
She didn’t want to stay in state. When Lyrica returns, she wants to stand proudly so that they won’t worry about her.
“Say… Little Tian.” Shiro said as Nan Tian raised his eyebrow at the fact that she was calling him by his nickname that she had given him.
“Mn? What is it.”
“I want to recover or at least leave this room by next month. I might become a little unsightly. Promise me you won’t laugh or feel disgusted ok?” Shiro said as Nan Tian nodded without hesitation.
“Of course. I’ve already seen you at your worst so I won’t be dissuaded by something like this. The only path left is up.” Nan Tian smiled as Shiro felt relieved in her heart. There was a warm feeling spreading through her body as she could feel her will power reigniting.
Taking a deep breath, she got out of the bed and walked towards the door as Nan Tian followed behind her wordlessly.
###
After that day, Shiro pushed herself ceaselessly. She would force herself to reach for the door even when it forced her to pass out. Even when she is falling down, she’d try to reach for the door. She clawed away at her fear as even an inch of progress was welcomed.
When resting, she confronted her inner demon even if it made her sick to the stomach.
Every single moment was used for confronting her fear to the point that she wouldn’t notice when others are watching her from afar.
Yin would deliver food and cheer Shiro on in her mind before leaving so as to not distract her.
Madison would observe from the end of the hallway, hoping that she’d reach the door. She had decided to go to the demon realm but before she left, she wanted to see Shiro overcome the first barrier.
Day after day, week after week, Shiro inched closer with each attempt.
She looked haggard but the fighting spirit in her eyes never decreased. Each step would only make her burn brighter.
The gap between her and the door decreased until it was just an arms length away.
Grabbing the handle, Shiro could feel crippling fear clutch her heart as a dark shadow loomed over her.
However, she’s tired of just cowering away in a corner. Even if she never overcomes this fear, she still wanted to face it head on. Like Nan Tian said, she had already reached her worse, all that’s left is going up. She might look terrified and her knees might threaten to give up. But at least it was not in a tiny closed off room.
Gritting her teeth, Shiro gripped the door handle as hard as she could and pushed open the door with all her might.
As she took the first step out of this room after several months of crippling anxiety, Shiro felt relieved. A cool gust of wind brushed her hair out of her face as she stood outside the med bay.
Opening her mouth, her lips quivered as she continued to look forward.
“I’m finally out.” She muttered softly.
“Mn, you are.”
“I’m finally out.” Shiro repeated, tears welling up in her eyes as she looked back at Nan Tian.
Her hair stuck to the sides of her face as cold sweat filled her head. Tears streamed down her face as she smiled towards him.
Despite her dishevelled appearance, it was the most beautiful smile Nan Tian had ever seen.
“Congratulations.”
