[Congratulations! Novice Tutorial Mode has ended]
"That was a tutorial? You didn't teach me a damn thing!"
Ben was sitting at his desk drinking coffee, reading the system notifications he received yesterday after completing the challenge. There were many, but this one was at the top, and also the most important.
[Congratulations! The bomb has been defused]
"…What bomb?"
[For the Novice Welcome Challenge's original punishment, a microscopic bomb was implanted in your scrotum]
…
"Why my scrotum?!?"
[Abundant space]
"F*CK!"
[Congratulations! The poison has been neutralized]
"…I almost don't want to ask…Sigh…What poison?"
[For the Novice Welcome Challenge's original punishment, poison was acc.u.mulating in your Root Chakra]
"…Root chakra? Can I cultivate it? Where is that?"
[In your butthole]
…
"Can't you at least use scientific terms?!?"
[Since you have requested, there are several forceful methods to "cultivate it"]
"Forget I asked!"
[Now that you have received the notification, the system will reboot to open primary functions]
"What? For how long?"
He received no reply. When Ben checked and discovered the system screen wasn't accessible, he had an indescribable feeling. He'd lived with the system every day for the past month, having grown accustomed to her presence as a permanent feature of his life. Now, all of a sudden, she was gone…
It was like losing the tsundere and realizing there were good points about her after all… 'No, this one has no good points…'
He thought about her last message. 'Primary functions, huh…' Ben was curious about that, but he didn't want to dwell on it now. He stood up and stretched his body, feeling like a weight was lifted off his shnutsack…
'Since she's asleep, I should use this time to enjoy my freedom.' He was thinking like a cheating spouse…
However, Ben didn't want to deal with system stuff today. She had taken control of every part of his life since he moved to Manhattan. He needed a breather. So it was time for a break, a day of living unsystemed.
He gazed out the window and thought about what he'd do, planning to exercise, relax, and consider what was next… Oh, he was also scheduled to meet the big man…
***
Ben was walking through a park in Brooklyn appreciating the gorgeous sunny day. Autumn had begun so he understood this weather would soon become a rarity.
*Arf* *Arf*
He approached a dog park. This is where he agreed to meet his friend and mentor Beluga to ask for some advice. When Ben reached the fenced-in area, he observed a dozen dogs running back and forth on the green grass, and there, in one corner, was his buddy in a purple hoodie. 'He's going casual today…'
Beluga was holding a leash attached to a beagle, and at the moment, a girl was petting that dog and asking him questions. Ben observed as Beluga got her number without difficulty, before the girl left with her own dog.
Nodding in admiration, Ben approached and greeted Beluga. "I saw that, nice work. Women really like dogs, huh? I Wasn't aware you had one though. Don't remember seeing one at your house."
Beluga turned to him. "Dog's not mine. It's a rental…"
…
Ben raised an eyebrow "Why?"
"You just saw why." Beluga smirked.
"I didn't know you could rent a dog…"
"Live and learn, Benjamin…The things you don't know could fill a library… So, how's it going? You said you sent that text message to everyone by accident? Did you sort that out?"
Ben shrugged. "It's ok…mostly. I texted everyone after that and said someone took my phone and played a prank. My family and friends believed it. I think most of the girls who dated and got to know me will be fine too. The only problem is the women who gave me their numbers…the ones I haven't had a proper date with yet…"
"Yea, it takes only a small texting error to kill a number lead. The law of simpifaction dictates that all those females will assume that you did in fact send the text. Unfortunately, that means those leads will all die… However, I noticed a more important thing. You said believed it…So you actually sent it, didn't you? That text…of the eating of the butt…"
…
Beluga shook his head. "This is why the law of simpifaction exists, because it often proves true…like now. Benjamin, I would first suggest improving your diet…"
…
Beluga sighed. "Second, this isn't the Sahara Desert. So I also suggest lowering the thirst a notch…"
Ben shrugged. "It's all good. I wet my beak last night…"
Beluga's eyebrows elevated. "Oh…tell me about it."
Ben proceeded to tell him the story of how he lost his v.i.r.g.i.nity. He went into so much detail that Beluga had to tell him to stop at one point, pointing out that he didn't require information about the sound of slapping balls…
Frowning, Ben asked Beluga about his current concern with Penelope. "What should I do now though? I lost my v.i.r.g.i.nity to her…should I…try to make her my girlfriend?"
Chuckling, Beluga bent down and pet the beagle as he answered. "There's no reason for you to jump into a fiery pit by choice…"
Ben squinted. "What do you mean…"
Smirking, Beluga explained. "Monogamous relationsh.i.p.s are a trap, Benjamin… Let me explain to you about evolutionary psychology and how it has affected s.e.x.u.a.l dynamics."
Ben's ears perked up.
"The first thing you have to understand is that a prioritized instinct of all us humans is to ensure the survival of our genes. We do this by reproducing and having as many children as possible. This is the fundamental reason people have kids. Now, how would a man best accomplish this instinctual goal?"
Ben shrugged. "Providing nut…"
Beluga nodded. "That's right, the supply of the nut is a crucial element in the formula…but let's elaborate. All a man has to do to reproduce is i.m.p.r.e.g.n.a.t.e a female by having s.e.x with her, possibly only once. Yet, during the time a female is pregnant for 9 months, she can't have any more children. In addition, many females have physical limitations on how many total children they can have in their lives. For men seeking to maximize reproduction, this is a serious bottleneck… Thus, as a result, a man's best strategy for reproduction…is to sleep with as many females as possible!"
As Ben listened, his eyes began to shine. 'I can feel it…here it comes…my justification for becoming a harem king!'
