It was an endless street with trees along the sides. There were no cars, the wind was blowing silently, trees were planted at regular intervals, and the pavement was flawless without a single crack anywhere that it was to the point that it was unpleasantly so. She tried numbering her steps. One, two, three…. Even after a hundred, a thousand, and ten thousand, the scenery did not change. The faces of the ones coming towards her also started being repeated. A boy with cotton candy, a man dragging a bike, a granny dragging a hand wagon filled with cardboard, a man and a woman who seemed to be a couple, as well as a woman shouting at her phone.
At one point, Gaeul realized that everyone else was walking in the opposite direction of her. People were only walking towards her; no one was going the same way as her. She walked forward through the wave of people, praying that something would change, hoping that there was a flaw in this fixed scenery.
She wanted to turn around and walk in the same direction as everyone else, but the moment she turned around, the scenery was reversed. Wherever she turned, people always walked towards her from the other side. No one walked next to her. Even if she tried to grab the arm of a passerby, she would pass right through them like smoke. When she tried to talk to anyone, none of them replied.
She became alone in this crowd. A sense of freezing solitude followed suit. She stood still and looked at the people passing by. Their expressions were varied: smiling, crying, and angry. Gaeul suddenly felt that she didn’t exist in this world. She felt like she was flung outside the world.
“You said you’d do anything. Didn’t you expect this much?” the boy with the cotton candy said after he suddenly stopped.
His eyes looked to be rebuking her. Gaeul couldn’t understand. Didn’t expect what? Starting with the boy, people started criticizing her: Bear the weight of your decision; It is impossible to return; This is punishment.
“What did I do wrong?” she asked the people.
When she did, the people staring at her started walking past her again as though nothing had happened. The unchanging scenery began once again. She wondered how many times she had to repeat this in the future. She wanted to sit down on the spot. Those gazes were too much for her to bear. Maybe she would get swept away by those people if she stood still. Maybe she would be able to join those people and laugh and get angry just like normal. No matter how much time passed, those people just brushed past her. The only thing she gained was the knowledge that the world was unchanging and that she would always stay on the spot.
Eventually, she was no longer able to discern the faces of the people brushing past her, and the scenery also turned blurry. She was being isolated from the world and being ejected from it. The sensation of being ejected from the sensation of solitude was truly horrific.
“It’s okay.”
The blurring world regained its original form. She could start hearing the voices of the people walking past her. The strangely flawless pavement had cracks, the trees that all looked all the same as though they were copied and pasted started possessing character, and cars started driving on the road again. The people that were walking in just one direction like worker ants started walking in all sorts of different directions. The hamster wheel-like world was engulfed in brilliant chaos.
Gaeul looked at the man standing next to her. The man was pitch black. He held the world. He brought the world. Gaeul grabbed his hand and walked forward. The people who walked past her like ghosts before started recognizing her and made way for her with a smile.
“Who are you?”
The moment she threw out that question, Gaeul opened her eyes. It took quite a long time for her spirit to return to her body from floating between reality and her dream. In front of her eyes was Maru, who was breathing slowly. Only then did she realize that she was using his arm as a pillow. Swallowing down what was in her mouth, she stood up. It was 4 a.m. Someone was shouting outside. It seemed that there was trouble with parking.
She felt dazed. She felt like she just had an incredibly sad dream, but the only thing she could remember was the question she asked at the very end: Who are you?
“You woke up?”
Maru opened his eyes. He groaned as he was about to sit up while pushing himself against the floor.
“Your arm is numb, isn’t it?”
“No.”
“Yes, it is. It must have been hours. Give me your arm.”
She started carefully massaging Maru’s arm. At first, he trembled, but he soon smiled in satisfaction as the numbness went away.
“I was drunk, wasn’t I?”
“A little. How’s your head? Aren’t you dizzy?”
“Usually, I would have a horrible headache if I pass out after drinking, but right now, I’m strangely refreshed. Maybe it’s thanks to your arm pillow.”
“If that’s how it is, then I guess it was worth the effort.”
When her senses completely woke up from sleep, the cold assaulted her. It was to be expected since she had been lying down on the cold floor for hours even though it wasn’t mid-summer. When she started rubbing her own arms, Maru gave her a vest. They got a matching pair of these vests to wear at home.
“You should go and get some more sleep. It’s only 4 o’clock.”
“I don’t think I can sleep now.”
“Then let’s get something warm to drink.”
Maru put some water in the kettle. Gaeul sat at the dining table and watched his back. As the mood lights were the only thing on in the living room, he looked like he was wearing dark clothes.
“What are you staring at?” Maru asked as he put down a mug in front of her.
It was fragrant barley tea.
“I thought I’d seen it a lot.”
“What do you mean?”
Maru looked around. Instead of replying ‘you,’ Gaeul brought the mug to her mouth. Maybe she was still half-asleep. How would he react if she said ‘you look familiar’ to a person who she had been with for the entire day? Maru would probably tell her to go to sleep.
“It’s 10 past 4, and you don’t want to sleep. What now?”
“I don’t know.”
“It’ll be tiring if you don’t get enough sleep. Why don’t you go to bed and close your eyes after you drink that? You might feel okay now, but you’ll feel dazed in the morning.”
“Maybe.”
Although she lacked sleep ever since she started working, she didn’t want to close her eyes right now. She felt as though something rather repulsive would assault her if she did. When she drank the tea while fidgeting with her toes, he brought a duvet from the room.
“Come here. You can’t let your body cool.”
She placed her mug on the table in front of the sofa and sat down. Maru opened the duvet and covered her. Her chilly body became warm soon.
“I feel like I’m having a lot of dreams recently. I don’t remember what they’re about though. I never dreamt anything when I was young either.”
Maybe Maru was tired. Gaeul looked at Maru, who put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer. She could feel his body heat from the touch.
“You don’t have to concern yourself with dreams. You don’t have to worry about anything.”
She didn’t say what kind of dream she had, but Maru consoled her as though he knew everything. Gaeul leaned her head on his shoulder. She felt like she had returned home after a long trip and was letting the bed take care of her body as she became drunk on the relief of having returned home.
“Do you want to come over and say hi to my mom?” she asked in a soft voice.
“If you want.”
“You’ll get scolded. Mom was really disappointed too.”
“I should be. I did something wrong.”
“But now that I think about it, it was mostly my fault.”
“Then I guess we should get scolded together. I’ll give her my right cheek, so you give her your left.”
“Yeah. You said your mother and father are in Pohang, right?”
“Yeah. My father is managing that place more than before, so they found a residence there.”
“We should visit them.”
“Take your time.”
His hand that stroked her hair was so pleasing.
“Do you think you’re getting sleepy now?”
“Just a little more.”
“I wonder if my shoulder can last until then.”
“Try holding on for a little more.”
She curled herself up and leaned against him. She never acted this spoiled to anyone ever since her father passed away, yet she always wanted to rely on him if he was next to her. His embrace reminded her of a warm spring day. Even without doing anything, she felt satisfied as though she had everything in this world.
“What did mother-in-law like again?”
“It’s been a long time since I last heard you say that.”
“I told you. We’re going to get married. I’m not joking.”
She looked into his eyes.
“Actually, when you first brought that up, I had a feeling that things would come to this. I knew that it was a joke, and I knew that it was an event far into the future, but I still had a strange feeling that we would be tied together like this.”
Maru kissed her lightly on the forehead.
“Stop chatting and go to sleep. You have a precious body, so you should get into tip-top condition.”
He started tapping on her shoulder at regular intervals. It was a magical rhythm that made her fall asleep. It took away her feelings of not wanting to sleep and made her vision go hazy. She started yawning, and her eyelids felt heavy.
“Should we go to bed if you’re uncomfortable?” she asked, worried that his shoulder might hurt and that he might not get enough sleep looking after her.
Maru shook his head.
“It feels like we’re camping, so it’s good. Don’t worry about me and get some sleep.”
“Wake me up if it hurts.”
“If it’s your weight that hurts me, then that I guess is a joy too.”
“That line was rather embarrassing.”
“Less than what you said last night probably.”
Gaeul raised her head.
“What did I say last night?”
“You don’t remember?”
“I don’t.”
“Then you should forget about it.”
“Tell me quickly. What did I say?”
“Something that will make your hands and feet shrivel up. Should I say it back to you word for word? You might end up kicking the duvet in shame.”
“It’s that bad?”
“Do you want me to say it?”
“Forget it. If it’s not in my memories, then it’s not an embarrassing history.”
“If you say that, it makes me want to tell you.”
“Don’t.”
Maru chuckled before placing his chin on her head.
“I’ll keep it a secret, so let’s go to sleep. The sun is going to rise at this rate.”
“Because you said that, I don’t feel drowsy anymore.”
“It’s my fault?”
“Probably?”
Maru yawned before sticking close to her. Gaeul pulled her legs together and placed them on top of the sofa. Purple light was seeping through the curtains. It was a quiet, cozy, and warm time. She wished that this night would last a long time.
It was after she stared at the blackened TV screen for a while. She could hear that Maru’s breathing sound had become soft. When she turned around, she saw that Maru had fallen asleep. Gaeul pulled his arm around her shoulder so that he didn’t fall. As long as he held her, she would not have a bad dream. The drowsiness that she had forgotten about overwhelmed her again. Her consciousness left her starting from her toes. The last thing she felt before she fell asleep was a strong grip around her shoulder.
