“Those of you who want to go to the noraebang in separate groups, don’t get in trouble, those of you going home, watch out on your way home.”
“Yes!”
“There’s still one more competition, so don’t be too loose. We’re only going to play around today and then start practicing tomorrow. There’s not even a month left until January.”
Choi Seol clapped above her head once.
“Well, then. Let’s do one last fighting and then break up. Myunghwa high acting club, fighting!”
“Fighting!”
A hundred or so people shouted at the same time. The passersby glanced at them before walking past. People who had formed separate groups went to nearby noraebangs and PC bangs.
“Gaeul, we’re going to go to a board game café; do you want to come?”
“Sorry, I’m a little tired today.”
Choi Seol, who would usually pull on her arms to get her to go together with her, nodded her head obediently today.
“Alright, then go home and get some rest. You didn’t look good back there. I’m not sure what it’s about, but if you have anything you’re worried about, you can always call me up and talk to me about it. This unni has a lot of time. If it’s about your boyfriend though, don’t call me. I don’t have much experience when it comes to dating.”
“Don’t have much? You mean none at all. Gaeul, if it’s about love problems, call me. I’m better than Seol when it comes to that.”
Choi Seol approached her and locked her fingers around Gaeul’s before shaking them. Her other friends also approached, grabbed her hands and shook them up and down, and left after telling her to give them a call. The group of students in front of the restaurant scattered in an instant.
Gaeul uttered out a short breath. Her breath turned white and disappeared with a white trail. Just as she was about to put her scarf on, she saw Yuna about 10 meters away from her. Yuna said goodbye to her friends and left the group. She seemed to be going home. Gaeul clutched the scarf and walked over to Yuna. On her way, she made eye contact with her. Yuna flinched and took a step back but did not run away. For some reason, she felt grateful that Yuna waited for her.
“You aren’t going with your friends?”
“Yes. I felt a little tired.”
“Really? Me too. Which direction are you going?”
“I’m going this way. What about you, seonbae?”
“I’m going that way too. Uh, hey, wanna walk for a bit?”
Yuna nodded after a bit of hesitation. Gaeul was reminded of what her friend said; that it was incredible of Yuna to confess such a thing. From how frightened she looked right now, Gaeul could hardly imagine that she was the same bold girl during the candid talk. It must have been that difficult to say those words.
“You must be cold.”
Gaeul undid her scarf and stood in front of Yuna. Yuna said she was okay, but Gaeul quietly put the scarf around her.
“It’s warm, isn’t it?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Apparently, it’s going to get colder tomorrow. You should be prepared when you come to school.”
“Yes.”
Gaeul stepped back first. She had a mountain load of things to say, but she couldn’t speak so easily. She tried rolling the words that wanted to escape inside her mouth. They walked silently for a while until they stopped due to a traffic light. A truck loaded with logs passed in front of them with a heavy sound. Her ears became numb momentarily, and her head became empty. The piles of words disappeared, and what remained behind was just one sentence.
“It’s not because of you that I’m not meeting Maru.”
She saw Yuna’s small body stiffen up. Gaeul turned around halfway to face Yuna. She saw confusion in her two eyes. The junior she had to console in the distant past was standing right there. Yuna had placed her two hands in front of her stomach. Gaeul grabbed those hands. Yuna’s hands were shaking and sweaty. It was extremely chilly. Gaeul faintly smiled after seeing the stiff Yuna.
“I mean it. It’s not because of you.”
The lights changed. People started crossing the road. After glancing at the people passing by, she looked at Yuna. Yuna seemed to be organizing her thoughts and she spoke after a while,
“Then why aren’t you meeting?”
“Because of my intentions. I’m not seeing him right now because I don’t want to see him.”
“You?”
“Yes. Didn’t you hear from Maru?”
“I did hear a little bit about it, but I didn’t think that would actually be the reason.”
Yuna sniffed. Whether it was because of the cold or because she was crying, Gaeul did not know. Gaeul took out some tissues from her bag and wiped below Yuna’s nose. Yuna, who had been frozen stiff, soon came to herself and took the tissues, saying that she would wipe herself.
“How was Maru during the shoot?”
“Maru-seonbae?”
“Yes. Was he good?”
Yuna gave her glances intermittently. It seemed like she didn’t know how to answer this question.
“I just want you to give it to me straight. Tell me what you felt.”
“Maru-seonbae was… really great. He sometimes explained to me in kind if I got stuck on something. Gently and in detail. Oh, he changed recently, so he’s no longer kind towards me, but I definitely got the feeling that he was guiding me. I felt like… he was helping me just as much as I put in the effort.”
“That sounds like him. He doesn’t make that many mistakes, does he?”
“He doesn’t. There are rarely any NG scenes when it comes to his shots. Even if they do another shoot, it’s because the director wants to do the shoot repeatedly for a better cut.”
Yuna’s expression eased up a little. It seemed that her nervousness had subsided.
“His acting is one thing, but there’s no one that looks after the other cast as much as him. Especially when it comes to the background actors. We only shot with them one day, but he looked like he became close to them and even contacts them from time to time. The staff really likes Maru too. The camera director especially takes good care of him and….”
Yuna, who was talking without stop, suddenly widened her eyes and became silent.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. You’re making me feel sorry instead. Anyway, Maru is doing well during the shoots without making mistakes, right?”
“Yes. He’s incredible. I always end up making mistakes because of nervousness, but he always finishes things in one go. I sometimes feel envious of him, and I sometimes find him curious. We aren’t that far apart in age, but the difference in experience is too clear. Even if I resolve to do better, I sometimes feel uneasy when looking at him because the gap between us is too big.”
Unease. Gaeul deeply sympathized with this word. It was the word that summed up the reason she couldn’t meet Maru.
“Me too. I always feel that Maru is amazing when I keep watching him.”
The lights changed once again. Gaeul grabbed Yuna’s hand and crossed the road.
“Two years ago, Maru and I studied under teacher Ganghwan. You know who teacher Yang Ganghwan is, right? You shot the drama with him this time.”
“Senior Ganghwan? Yes, I do.”
“He’s good, isn’t he?”
“Don’t even start. Maru-seonbae is good, but I can only say that senior Ganghwan is on a completely different level. I can only exclaim when I watch him. He always says that he’s embarrassed because he’s not good at acting in front of a camera, but if that’s how it is, I might as well be disqualified.”
“Right. His acts are really amazing. It’s especially the case when you see his vivid acts on stage. We- that is, Maru and I- studied under such a teacher. There were many people. People who were considered good at acting from various schools were in that place. Even there, Maru stood out above others. He was the only one who got extra teachings from the teacher after all. At first, everyone misunderstood. They thought that the teacher was biased towards him. But after time passed, everyone knew. It wasn’t that the teacher was biased, it was that the level of acting that Maru was on was a different level from us.”
Gaeul scraped the snow on the bonnet of a car and squashed it into a ball. Then, she pretended to throw it at Yuna and hit the tree next to her. Yuna flinched and glanced at her before making a snowball herself.
“Are you going to throw that?”
“N-no.”
Yuna became startled and dusted her hands. Gaeul thought this for a long time: Yuna was a really good girl. She was honest with her emotions and had the courage to speak in uncomfortable situations.
Gaeul suddenly wondered what kind of person she was to Maru. Considering how he could act indifferent to a girl like that, did it mean that he liked Gaeul a lot? Or did he not place that much meaning in romantic relationships? She remembered how Maru habitually talked about marriage sometimes as a joke and sometimes seriously. She wondered how serious he was when he said those words as well as how much of it was just a joke.
“Since you were honest with me, I’ll be honest with you as well. I said that I was okay in front of you, but I actually felt jealous. I was scared. I even had the thought that I was being a nuisance to you two.”
“No, absolutely not. Maru-seonbae thinks about you a lot to the point that he asks me how you’re doing.”
“Really?”
Gaeul sighed. Maru had faith in her. He was waiting. Even though she was wavering, he kept the promise they made.
“Now that I heard that from you, I think I really have the conviction now.”
“Then are you going to meet again?”
“No, I’m not going to see him after all. As selfish as I might sound, I think that might be better for me.”
“Why? Why do you have to do that?”
“Because I’m the bad one. Because I’m insufficient. Because I lack self-confidence. If I meet him now, I will definitely find it enjoyable, and I will also be happy. But I have the dream to stand on the same stage as Maru one day. Honestly speaking, I don’t think I’m good enough as I am now. Like what you said, Maru keeps making progress. I want to lash out at myself. I was always consoled by Maru until now, so I think I got complacent and got used to that kind of lifestyle. I want to stand in front of Maru more boldly. I want to embrace him, who actually has more tears than you think, but I don’t think I can do that as I am now.”
Gaeul heaved out a deep breath. Yuna looked at her, at a loss on what to do.
“If you still like Maru, you can flirt with him.”
“What?”
“That’s what Maru told me before. He told me it was fine to date other people. He said that he wasn’t worried because he’s the most charming person and has the confidence to make me fall for him again. I’m going to do the same thing. If I have that kind of confidence, I don’t think I need to be worried like this in the first place.”
Yuna looked dazed. Gaeul laughed out loud when she saw her expression.
“Seonbae, you’re okay, right?”
“Do I look strange?”
“N-no, it’s not like that, but….”
“Anyway, sorry for making you suffer. I’m also sorry for making you say the things that I had to say. Also, thanks for bringing up the courage to speak about it to me.”
Gaeul grabbed Yuna’s hand again.
“It’s cold, let’s go.”
Yuna didn’t say anything for a while as though she felt complex. Yuna only spoke again when they arrived at the bus stop,
“Seonbae, are you really not going to meet Maru-seonbae?”
“Yep. Until I can accept myself.”
“I’ll be cheering for you.”
“No, don’t. Rather than that, did you really give up on Maru?”
“Eh? Ah, yes. Maru-seonbae said it clearly to me.”
“But that’s what Maru thinks.”
“Seonbae.”
Just then, the bus that Yuna was going to ride arrived. Yuna undid the scarf and spoke,
“Honestly, I can’t understand a word you’re saying now.”
“I’m not surprised. I don’t understand how I feel either.”
“Uhm, seonbae. If you say things like that, I might end up liking him again.”
“You can. Just bear in mind that it’s highly probable that I’ll snatch him back later.”
“Are you serious?”
“Let me just call it Han Maru’s dating method. I’m not sure if it’s going to work or not though.”
The bus opened and Yuna got on. Before the door closed, Yuna hurriedly asked.
“I can keep calling you in the future, right?”
“Anytime. I’ll even pick up during the middle of the night.”
Yuna smiled at the last moment, though, she still looked puzzled.
Gaeul looked up at the sky.
The snow was falling again.
“For a while….”
The figure of Maru smiling briefly appeared in her head before disappearing.
Gaeul put on her scarf.
The wind was no longer chilly.
