“You should stay for longer.”
“I’ll come again next time. See you then, Bada.”
Gaeul waved at Bada before turning around. Maru said he would take her back, but she refused. There was only one thing on Gaeul’s mind as she walked down the stairs. That voice. If she heard that voice out of nowhere, she would’ve been worried, but right now, she felt rather excited.
Jung Haejoo. That woman said that she heard a voice as well. That overwhelming flow of emotions that could even be felt through the screen. Gaeul had fallen for Haejoo. She had fallen for the acting that she showed. How could she act like that? It shocked her the entire time. The desire to become like that, and the self-depreciation that it was impossible for her clashed inside her. It was then that the voice spoke out to her. Jung Haejoo, she also said that she heard a voice inside her when her acting miraculously changed. The identity of that voice wasn’t important right now. What filled her mind was that this was an opportunity to improve her acting skills. Rather than worries and fear, she felt the urge to hear that voice once again. That was also why she hurriedly left Maru’s house. She needed a space where she could think about it by herself. She wanted to look for that voice in a quiet place. The decision she made was to go home, where it was empty. It was the best decision for now.
She didn’t remember how she got on the bus or how she got off. The compass of her thoughts was pointing at the voice. She got the password to her front door wrong about three times before she managed to get in. She threw away her shoes and immediately went to her desk before opening the drawer. Inside were some earplugs that a friend of hers gave her as a present to use while studying. She compressed the sponge earplugs before putting them in her ears. The sponge expanded, blocking off all sound. After even the whining noise of the refrigerator was blocked off, the only thing she heard now was the noise within her body. She sat on her chair and closed her eyes. When she consciously rejected the faint noise coming from the surroundings, she felt like she was floating.
She wanted to grab that clue. Gaeul wanted to know what the essence of acting was. She wanted to figure it out so that she would be able to stand on equal footing with the others. Maru, Heewon, and Jiseok. Whenever she felt the gap between herself and her peers, she was filled with unease. If she wanted to escape her position as a trainee who might be kicked out at any time; to become bold as an actress; to say goodbye to the unease for good, she had to change herself. The voice that said it wanted to act – that could be a trigger for her to change.
Gaeul probed around the darkness. She walked around in the cloudy darkness and opened her ears. She couldn’t hear the voice yet. Her neck became stiff. She realized that it had been quite long since she had been sitting. She wandered around in search for the formless for god knows how long. The desire to open her eyes and look at the time surged inside her, but she suppressed it. She felt as though it would all be for nought if she opened her eyes now. Although it was completely dark without any guideposts, she was definitely walking forward. She couldn’t turn back now. Her shoulders started hurting. She wanted to sit up straight and stretch her arms out, but she also endured that. She wanted to focus everything inside her. She might regret it for her entire lifetime if she lost focus now because of a minor distraction.
Time passed by slowly. Her butt felt sweaty. The journey through the darkness was still ongoing. She felt like she could faintly hear her heartbeat. Gaeul walked towards the source of the sound. Her body in her mind walked forward. When she stopped going forward, it was because of a small voice she could hear. It wasn’t a voice she heard through her ears. It was a voice that played inside her. She focused in order to grab onto that voice. The voice that sounded like it was from a stretched out videotape became clearer.
What are you going to do during the holidays? – the voice belonged to a friend of hers. The scenery of the classroom appeared and the dark background changed into the classroom. The noise started taking clear shapes in the form of chatter. Mijin, Jiae, Yeonjoo, Minseon, Eunji. This was the conversation they had a few days ago in the classroom. Mijin was saying that she had plans to go to the sea with her boyfriend, Jiae said that she was going to stay at home the whole time, Yeonjoo and Minseon said that they booked tickets for a concert, and then Eunji who was sad because she had to go to cram school. Such a trivial conversation, which wouldn’t be surprising if she forgot about it, clearly came to her mind as though it was a math formula that she memorized. The warm classroom air, someone’s thick perfume, the tight-fitting uniform that made her embarrassed, as well as the sourness of the lemon candy – everything about that situation was clearly pictured in her mind as though she was reading off a detailed report.
The delicate details of the classroom became distorted after a heartbeat. Gaeul started walking amidst the blurry images again. Eventually, she came across a similar situation. This time, it was a more distant event. The hardwood stage, the bright lights – her colleagues were telling the 1st year students to calm down, while the seniors were looking at her proudly. Her consciousness had flown to the summer competition during her 2nd year. The scenery filled with vitality flashed in front of her eyes. Each and every sound was deeply engraved on her body.
She experienced a similar thing several times. When she came to herself after dazedly looking at the flow of her past, the one that stood in front of her was her father, who was smiling warmly. It was early autumn, the wind was cool, and she was wearing a white hat with a wide brim and a one piece dress with a rabbit on it. Her body flew into the air and landed on her father’s shoulders. She reached out with her little toddler hands and grabbed her father’s hair. Her father had never told her that it hurt. When her father’s mountain-like body started moving, her vision started shaking. The way it shook up and down made her feel like she was on top of a boat. She saw a couple eating cotton candy together, a musician singing while playing the guitar, and the autumn leaves falling down. Just as everything was being deeply engraved into her eyes, she heard a humming sound. Hm~hm~hm, the sound was quite off like the rough beard, but it sounded more grand and wonderful than any other orchestra. Louder, louder! – she shouted as she swayed back and forth.
My daughter, you aren’t going to cry even if daddy’s not around, right? – at the same time that her father said those words, the scenery shattered. The flying fragments shone before disappearing into nothingness. The only thing left now was the pounding of her heart. Thump, thump – she started walking towards the sound once again. From the present to the past. Where was the destination of this journey?
While she was unaware, the darkness had been lifted. Gaeul saw herself standing on a stage. The audience seats were completely empty. She looked around and combed through her memories. Had she ever been to a place like this? When she opened a drawer of memories in order to check, something white flashed by her feet. It was a rabbit with round eyes. The rabbit, with its four legs on the ground, slowly stood up. It took out a pocket watch with one hand, and a short cane on the other. On the top of the cane was a black-colored bird. It looked graceful. It was a black swan.
Who are you? – Gaeul squeezed out her voice. Reacting to that voice, the rabbit turned around. There was rage on its cute face.
In the end, you came here again. – the rabbit said.
It was the voice she heard back in Maru’s house. Gaeul calmed down her heart and spoke,
-You were the one who called out to me before, weren’t you?
-Probably.
-Didn’t you say that you want to do acting?
-Acting? I do. I like acting after all. As much as you.
-Then come and act with me.
-With you?
-Yes. I’m not entirely sure, but I have a strong feeling that I will do much better if I’m with you. It will at least be better than what I can do right now. I want to become better at acting.
-What are you going to do after getting better?
-I want to stand on equal footing with Maru. I want to act with him. I want to stand on the same stage as him.
-Is that really enough? Really?
-Yes.
Did Jung Haejoo have a conversation like this as well? The rabbit glanced at the pocket watch. On its mouth was a smile that did not represent its joy.
-Fine. Do what you want. The moment you wanted to do that, my right to decide became as good as non-existent.
The rabbit twitched its nose before hopping to the other side of the stage.
-Hey.
Gaeul hurriedly stopped the rabbit.
-I can talk to you again, right?
-Do you want to?
-Yes.
-If you want to, then go ahead. The decision is entirely up to you. The current you will be able to come and find me whenever you want.
-Uhm, one more thing.
-What is it?
-How are you inside me? How can we hold a conversation like this?
The rabbit stomped the ground with its cane.
-Do you believe in god?
-God?
-Yes, god. Jesus, Buddha, Allah, or whatever. You know, an omnipotent god.
-I don’t.
-Why is that?
-It’s like how I don’t believe in destiny. A life predetermined by god, a life lived according to god’s will. I think such a thing is very tragic. I believe that people should live based on their free will.
-Then what about miracles?
-I believe miracles can exist, but only the ones that appear from people’s efforts. I mean not the kind of benefit that god gives to a certain person, but the kind where human effort turns the impossible into the possible.
-Yes, that was the kind of girl you were.
The rabbit looked at her directly. Its red eyes were scary. It felt like something was burning inside those eyes.
-And you should’ve been that kind of girl back then too.
-Hey!
The rabbit then ran off. Gaeul wanted to chase after it, but her legs did not move. Hey! – she shouted once again, but the rabbit did not turn around. It became distant. When it became small enough that it was akin to a white dot on a black paper, Gaeul stumbled on a woman wearing white clothes. Just looking at her back was enough for her to make out that she was wearing a white suit. That woman then changed into a woman wearing a more cheerful suit, before returning to being a rabbit.
Gaeul looked at the stage devoid of the rabbit before finding a card on the floor. The Fool. The tarot card with a clown on it was something she had seen a lot before. The moment she looked at the clown wearing a neck-tie, the beeping of the door lock to her house faintly entered her ears. That electronic noise that penetrated the earplugs caused a fissure to appear in her inner world, and Gaeul was pulled out to reality in an instant. The moment she uttered a deep breath, she fell sideways. Her arms, legs, and waist were too numb, rendering her unable to move.
“Mom’s here. What are you doing over there?”
“Uh, hm? Oh, I was just dozing off.”
“You should sleep on your bed. Don’t keep holding onto your studies. But my girl, did you give up on acting?”
“I didn’t.”
“Okay, then, what about dinner?”
“Dinner? What time is it now?”
“Now? It’s past 9.”
“9?”
“Looks like you were in deep sleep. Stop looking like an idiot and let’s eat ice cream together. Come on.”
Gaeul slowly sat up before looking at the clock on her desk. It was 14 past 9. When she came back home and sat down on her chair, it was 1 p.m.
“8 hours.”
Gaeul tried stating the time she spent inside her mind. It sounded as absurd as seeing a dragon.
“My girl, are you sleeping again?” her mother called.
Gaeul shook her head and left her room.
