June could not shake off her anxiety. It seemed clear that Rachel was hiding something from her, but Rachel wouldn’t have hidden it in the first place if she was going to answer June’s question.
Her course today was successful. It was definitely a successful course, at least compared with what she planned when she came to Los Angeles. Of course, Dave also showed dishes that exceeded their expectations. But she exceeded their expectations, as well.
To be honest, she couldn’t help but feel drained at this point. At least from her point of view, it was never easy to choose who was better. Given the nature of the competition, however, where a winner must be determined, Rachel and Min-joon should choose one of them anyway.
Then, what were those criteria? No, it didn’t matter what it was.
The thing was whether June could be persuaded by whatever the result was.
That question continued to haunt June for several days even after the contest ended. The head chefs and others, who were moved by her fantastic course, often spoke to her whenever they saw her, but she only returned their greetings with a rather rigid reply with her face hardened.
However, they didn’t blame her for that. Rather, they took her nervous reaction for granted. They understood it and encouraged her at the same time. She had been living her whole life for this moment. And the decision that would determine her fate was soon to be announced. How could she not tremble nervously?
But she was not in a good mood for a slightly different reason than they thought. In fact, she wasn’t that nervous. What made her stressed-out was not her anxiety or nervousness but her empty feelings.
On the day the last chef of the competition demonstrated his dishes for evaluation, June quietly called Dave. He didn’t ask why. The two had dinner at a local restaurant that had nothing to do with Michelin stars, which was mostly visited by tourists rather than locals. It was a small steakhouse located on the main street of Santa Monica.
As she ate a burger with only melted cheddar cheese and a meat patty without any vegetables, She said, “I feel like I am lost.”
Dave didn’t answer. On his plate were only grilled pork and tomatoes, foil-wrapped potatoes, and pickle sauce. He scooped up some potatoes and put them in his mouth, looking at her.
She took a bite of the burger once more, then said in a low voice, “You know, I always plan on something, be it small or big. You know what? I’ve got a path I’ve been looking at for all my life. It’s not just cooking, but becoming the head of Rose Island. You already know well what I’m going to do after that.”
Dave still didn’t say anything. What she needed right now wasn’t someone responding to her, but someone who would listen to her seriously. Fortunately, he was more adept at listening than speaking. In particular, he liked her voice.
“I have never thought I might be thrown off my path and gotten lost. But at some point, I realized that I had been paying more attention to this path than to myself,” she muttered as if she was self-mocking herself.
Ordinary people dream of their happiness, which was natural. If one didn’t want to be happy, then why would they dream?
However, once they achieve their dream, at some point during their lives, they cease to regard the dream just as a mere dream. It was no longer the means for their happiness. Whatever they do, they must achieve it, and they couldn’t miss it. Compared to the time and effort they put in so far, happiness was just nothing. So, they should achieve it.
In other words, the moment they fail to achieve their dream, they just wouldn’t end up as losers.
Since June was excellent in everything, she couldn’t get used to not being excellent in anything. She could never accept anything like a failure. She would rather be willing to die than fail. She hated missing out on something she hoped for until now.
“I’m exhausted,” she said.
It was not unreasonable that she spat out such words. Until now, she had just kept moving forward without even enjoying a little happiness. She didn’t expect she could find happiness at the end of her pursuit. She just thought she could get the end results of her pursuit.
In a few days, perhaps, she would receive the fruits of her lifelong efforts. But she might not receive the results that she didn’t want. And it all depended on Min-joon and Rachel’s judgment, who were the judges of this competition. Her fate could be decided by their whims. Their decision could derail her lifelong goal and pursuit.
“I think I have forgotten how not to run,” she said.
Dave wanted to comfort her, but he still couldn’t say anything. He had no idea what to tell her in this situation. He could have said something more comfortably if he had drunk, but she refused to drink, saying she didn’t want to be distracted in this situation.
“Isn’t it funny that I’m afraid I would be shaken by what Rachel or Min-joon would announce? You and I split up, and I bet my life on this. I’ve really worked hard for this, but my efforts won’t matter at all whatever results I have at the end of the day.”
He replied quietly, “June, don’t you just take it whoever wins this competition?”
He seemed to be begging her to just relax and calm down at the upcoming results. “I don’t care even if I lose. I’m not afraid to break your stubbornness. I’m more scared about our relationship going nowhere because I can’t break your stubbornness. Just like you gave me up, I wonder if you can give up yourself a little bit…”
“Nope, I can’t do it,” she said firmly.
She felt heartbroken at that moment. It would be a lie if she denied she was not shaken when this cool guy was begging her like this so earnestly. But that was how she felt toward him all the time. She felt heartbroken and shaken, always. But at the end of the day, she decided to walk the path she had been pursuing.
She said, “I’ve told you already that I value my path more than myself. That’s the same with the way I think about our love.”
“June…”
“There’s only one thing I’m afraid of.”
She glanced at the burger, only one bite of which was left. The appearance of the burger with her teeth marks left here and there made her feel sorry. So, she couldn’t open her mouth easily.
She looked around for a moment. Most of the people who came here, dressed up pretty and nice, were tourists. She felt strange. She was obviously not a Santa Monica native, so she should be called a tourist, but for some reason, she felt like she was neither a tourist nor a resident. Maybe it was because she had lived here briefly in the past. But she didn’t know for sure why she felt so strange in this place.
Only then did she feel suddenly that just like how she felt like she was a stranger in this restaurant, she was in an ambiguous situation in her life where she was neither a tourist nor the owner of her life. It was her ambition, not her, who was the owner of her life.
Her ambition whispered into her ears, “If she listened to me sincerely, I would give you all you want. So, just follow me instead of thinking about what you want to have. Then you will be able to get what you want and even what you have never thought of having.”
At that moment, Dave interrupted, “Why have you stopped talking?”
“Oh…”
She looked blankly at Dave. At first, she wanted to tell him she was afraid there might be no such thing as a treasure at the top of the mountain she climbed so hard, which was the kind of fear that the path she had been walking without stopping until now to grab everything was actually sort of a dream that she could never achieve. But she knew it was something so embarrassing that she could not tell it to someone she loved.
“Just nothing.”
She thought she would rather shut her mouth. Even if everyone in her world saw her as stupid, she wished only one person, namely Dave, would not think so.
She once loved him and might love him again, so she still wanted to be his woman.
In the meantime, every time the head chefs in the venue saw Min-joon, they asked him questions. Some of them asked him indirectly, but others asked him directly who was the winner.
On such occasions, he would reply with an awkward smile that he still didn’t know. He thought such an answer was what most of them didn’t want to hear, but he didn’t lie to them because he didn’t know.
“Well, this is too difficult.”
At Rachel’s office, he faced her alone and sighed. It was good for him to judge and taste their dishes. But it was never easy for him to choose one of them as the winner.
