When he finally got himself to become the emperor, he had to find a wife. The problem was it couldn’t be just anyone.
Firstly, his wife couldn’t be from a powerful family. Normally, the emperor’s wife needed help from her family to rule the castle, and that was why it was best for the wife to come from an influential family. However, Lucretius had seen what Katleyanira did to his kingdom and he had no intention of his own wife repeating it.
Secondly, he needed a woman who was intelligent and calculating. Unfortunately, Lucretius didn’t have enough power to fight the dowager empress alone. He could help his wife to grow her own power, but there was only so much he could do. He needed someone who had a brain.
Thirdly, it couldn’t be a soft-hearted woman. He had already witnessed what happened to his own mother. A naïve, trusting woman would end up being killed. He needed someone who could follow him to hell.
Lastly, it couldn’t be a woman who loved him. Ingrit loved him and her love ended up killing her. Same thing couldn’t happen again.
He remembered the first time he met the black-eyed girl Bina.
At first, he saw her as a fragile young girl who was sold to the royal family just like his mother. Soon, he realized that he was wrong.
On that night when he killed his own father, she showed her intelligence and cunning.
Duke Aeal was a powerless noble and she wasn’t even his real daughter.
However, his favorite thing about her was the fact that she didn’t look at him with adoration like all the other young girls. It was clear she didn’t trust him. She was suspicious of him at all times and her moves were always calculating. He really liked that about her.
He had found a perfect woman for him.
That was how he felt.
Until now.
Why did he felt like his heart was falling? He almost felt nauseous and seasick. He felt anxious as well. Why? He couldn’t understand.
He always thought he had no emotions, but then why was he feeling this way?
At this moment, he was willing to give up anything to have her open her eyes.
He felt frustrated. In his 27 years, nothing had frustrated him like this before.
***
He had lived his 27 years fiercely. No one could deny this. He wasn’t being arrogant; it was just a simple fact.
His life had never had a rest or a moment to relax. It was never allowed, but he wasn’t resentful about it. In fact, he accepted it because he knew no other ways to live. Every move he made needed to be carefully premeditated including eating and sleeping.
His life was harsh, but then everyone around him had similar lives. He supposed that this meant no one around him actually ‘lived’. They had no control over their own lives.
Katleyanira, on the other hand, was filled with anger and lived with passion. She looked like she at least had some control over her life.
The person that had the least control was his own mother, Beatrice. She had never truly lived her own life.
It wasn’t that he didn’t love her, and he knew she loved him, but the fact still remained. Lucretius believed Beatrice led a life that was never her own.
Tragically, she was naïve and stupid.
She never accomplished anything. Things just happened to her. She just happened to be sold to the castle. By coincidence, she ended up giving birth to him, and somehow, she became an empress. In the end, she was accused of a crime she didn’t commit and was executed. Her life and her death. Both happened without her intention.
He had seen so many people live this way. They were all like puppets. The only people who weren’t puppets were usually his enemies.
This was how battles were fought. The leaders used their puppets to win. The world was made mostly of innocent animals and a few figures on the top who controlled everyone and everything.
Nothing used to interest him or give him joy. His life consisted only of surviving.
That was why he found her so shocking.
She said she came from a different world. It was such a ridiculous story. But the most stunning thing she said was something else.
“I am doing this because I want to live, but a life doesn’t mean much if you live in constant fear and restrictions. I want to have a control over my life. To accomplish that, I need to take some risks”
It was such a shocking statement.
He was born to be an emperor. He was always surrounded by strangers. He saw that his mother was killed because she trusted the wrong people. From this, he learned early on how to be suspicious rather than to trust. Over the years, he learned to judge people accurately.
However, this woman was unexpected. She kept throwing him off.
At first, he thought she was just like every other woman he met before. Just a girl forced into becoming the emperor’s concubine. The harem was filled with women just like her.
He was wrong. She was nothing like them. She understood the situations accurately and made quick but smart decisions. Everything she did was to get what she wanted.
She was stronger than she looked. Her determination was beyond anything he had ever seen. To him, she shone like the brightest star. He suspected her soul was made of clean transparent light.
He didn’t truly believe she actually came from a different world. However, he had to admit knowing she was perfectly sane, there was no logical reason for her to make up such a lie.
That was why he decided to semi-believe her.
Since it was impossible to believe her story fully, he assumed that either she was mistaken or perhaps she was talking figuratively.
The thing that confused him was how she spoke a strange language. He thought maybe she was educated in multiple languages including an old tongue no one used anymore.
He did find one thing very otherworldly, and that was her liveliness. Her vitality and zest for life! He had never seen anything like it.
What kind of life did she have that made her the way she was? He couldn’t even imagine.
She glowed without any help from jewelry or expensive clothes. It came from deep inside her.
It was shocking. He had never met someone like her before.
He knew she would never change. No matter what he did or said to her, she would remain who she was. She was a finished product, and he knew her soul was beyond his reach.
If he did succeed in coloring her soul into his own dark shade, he knew she would lose herself. It was such a dilemma.
He had to admit it now. He was attracted to her.
He decided not to act on his feelings though.
Besides, she was already dependent on him. Legally, she was his wife. She was already his. These thoughts made him feel relieved, but it didn’t last long. He suddenly felt anxious again.
She was his, but her heart wasn’t. He couldn’t control how she felt. He knew she would never look at him lovingly because he was her husband. This would never happen, and he felt terribly disappointed.
In this world, women often were married to men chosen for them. Even if a woman loved another man, she would give up quickly and learn to love her own husband.
Would Bina do the same? Would she learn to love him because he was her husband?
He knew the answer was no. Even if she did fall in love with him, would she become his completely? Again, the answer was no.
He felt like he was going crazy.
She will never love him. Even if she does, she will never give herself up to him completely.
It was funny how this was exactly what he looked for in a wife only a month ago.
It was a smart decision politically, but his heart disagreed, and once he realized it, he felt devastated.
