Bottom of the fifth inning with Dave pitching. They were batters four, five, and six. They had previously sent a fly ball to center field, a groundout to short, and a fly out to right field, respectively. It didn't occur to me that any action could come my way since I didn't do much all game.
"But it did?" Dr. Moore asked.
I nodded and continued. "The fourth batter hit a grounder to me. I had to dive for it, then I fumbled a little bit, and made a bad throw. Luckily our first baseman was more prepared. The fifth batter thankfully struck out. Then the sixth batter hit another grounder towards me. This time I was able to get the ball in my glove, but when I made the throw, I slipped."
"You slipped…didn't it have any effect on the outcome of the game?"
"No, we still won."
"And Dave still earned his perfect game?"
I nodded.
"Okay, what happened after that? You guys win the game, and then what?"
"The team celebrated." I thought for a moment. "And then I felt overwhelmed. I was tired. It was hard to breathe in the mountains. They told me it was because the air was thinner."
"Next?"
"That's it. I thought I only closed my eyes for a minute, but then suddenly Mr. Atkins was carrying me to a doctors office for a checkup."
"Ok, why don't we go back to being overwhelmed? This was after the game finished? Not during?"
I glanced at Mr. Atkins, who sat there nonchalantly as he supervised our meeting. "Mr. Atkins told me after the first perfect game that the probability of this happening again was minuscule. I almost blew it."
Mr. Atkins took on a guilty look. "It really IS highly improbable. But it all worked out! I also said not to stress about the what-ifs."
"Let me interrupt here." Dr. Moore spoke up. He looked to me. "So in the first perfect game you participated in, you had the same feelings of being overwhelmed? Did it also end with a groundout to you?"
"No, to Noah. But he had to dive for it and couldn't make a good throw. So he tossed it up to me and I threw the runner out at first for the final out." I explained.
"And then after the game..? The feelings had bubbled up?"
I looked down into my hands. "I could have been the reason that either twin didn't reach a perfect game. That's a heavy burden. It's like a giant boulder on my chest."
"He had even thrown up after the first one." Mr. Atkins added. "This time was more like a blackout. I honestly can't say which was worse."
"Jake. I won't tell you that your fears are irrational." Dr. Moore stated, causing me to look up. "What I want you to know is that this is your anxiety speaking. It may not be using words, nor is it a tangible object. It takes up space though. In your brain, does it not? You worry about letting others down?"
I nodded.
"Unfortunately there is no cure for this." He sighed, making me sigh too. "The only way you can address this is to face it head on. Letting others down isn't a rare occurrence, but you can only try your hardest. Look at those two games. You tried your best, and then you succeeded. No one was mad or upset, in fact, it was a joyous occasion. Yet, you let the anxiety take over once your mind has nothing else to focus on."
"But…there was a chance for failure…" I whispered.
"There's always a chance to fail." Dr. Moore laughed lightly. "Failures happen all the time in everything we do. I failed to make breakfast today but that doesn't stop me from working today. I'll just do better tomorrow."
I frowned. "That's not the same as letting someone down."
"Just because you let someone down, doesn't mean that they'll abandon you immediately. Maybe if you did it often enough then they might lose trust in you." Dr. Moore said. "It's okay not to be perfect. It's about the effort you put in."
I guess I could say that I tried to the best of my abilities, but I want to do more. I'm not Noah, I don't like to gamble.
"Can his anxiety cause physical symptoms like throwing up and blacking out?" Mr. Atkins asked while I came to terms of possibly letting others down.
"Of course. It's not uncommon at all for anxiety attacks to cause nausea, trembling, shortness of breath, and dizziness. As for the blackout, I would classify it as a psychogenic blackout. It's not easy to diagnose, but including his symptoms of passing out, going blank, and even his inability to remember it, then it's a high possibility. We just have to work on lowering Jake's stress." He looked me in the eye. "Go have fun. Be a kid. Kids are known to make mistakes so no one will get mad."
No one? What about my mom? She was always mad. At everything. All the time. It's because of her, that I feel the need to walk on eggshells. She's not here now though so what's there to worry about. I nodded, mostly to myself for reassurance but also to Dr. Moore so he knows that I heard him. I stood up. "Thanks Dr. Moore. I feel better. Just a little lighter." I headed for the door.
"Glad to hear it Jake. I'll see you next week for a progress update." He hesitated. "Wayne? Can you stay back a minute? Jake, if you don't mind?"
I shrugged. I was left out of adult conversations more than I can count. I left the room, closing the door behind me.
***
"What's on your mind Doc?" Mr. Atkins asked in his normal friendly tone. He didn't seem too concerned about the reason he was asked to stay behind.
"It's pertaining to Jake. I noticed some peculiar statements he had made that seems a little out of place." Dr. Moore tapped his notepad.
Mr. Atkins lips thinned. "I'm not following. I didn't notice anything odd about him today. In fact, I would say this has been one of his more outspoken sessions."
"Yes, I agree on that. But it's what he said that I'm focused on. For example, his want for brothers to be treated the same?"
A frown appeared on Mr. Atkins face. "That's not an unusual request."
"It is when you consider that Jake is an only child. I also have reports that he wasn't particularly close to anyone at all when he was living with his mom. He was distant from classmates and wasn't very social. So how do you explain his attention on the twins and the rest of your sons?"
"I don't know. Maybe he wants brothers? Him and Noah have gotten close. He's lonely. Isn't it normal to reach out in situations like these?"
"Every situation is unique. And so is Jake. The fact that he also got so attached to your youngest son makes me want to suspect that he would like a brother-brother relationship. Maybe in your eyes, that's normal especially for an only kid like him. Surely, at one point, a kid will wonder what it's like to have siblings. Jake doesn't express too much curiosity in that aspect. For him, it's more about the connections between the brothers and the parents."
"I don't understand. What are you trying to say?"
"I'm not too sure about this myself." Dr. Moore sighed. "I'm just wondering if Jake has an older brother? Or had. I know from his file that the dad is out of the picture, so that doesn't rule out the possibility."
"I'll call Doug." Mr. Atkins whipped out his phone. "They're looking for the father right now. Maybe the fact that there might be another child involved can speed up the search."
"No rush. I'll call Doug myself to share my findings. It's not like I'm 100% positive. Besides, I don't think it would be another child. If anything, they would be older." Dr. Moore pusher his glasses up higher on his face. "Jake hasn't shared much about his father. That could be something to do with his brother. Maybe he's walking a fine line of blame and understanding. Blame because he was abandoned and his brother was saved. But maybe understanding since he knows what his mother is like."
Mr. Atkins clenched his phone. "So what do we do? Ask him about it?"
"No need to aggravate him. We don't even know if there is a brother. Maybe it's an older cousin. Maybe it was an older neighbor boy and he's just misremembering since he was young. Let's watch it play out for now. We'll focus on addressing the anxiety attacks for now."
Mr. Atkins loosened his grip on the phone, sliding it back into his pocket. "Right. One step at a time." He let out a heavy sigh. "If that's all, I guess I should get going."
"It won't hurt to pay more attention to how he interacts with your sons." Dr. Moore added. "Just everyday things. Does he look up to them? Does he show any resentment? Sorrow? Longing? Noah and him have already established a friendship so it would be hard to tell from that perspective. Focus more on how he acts and reacts with the older three."
Mr. Atkins nodded and headed for the door. "I will. I'll have to share this with Mary too. Maybe us, her, and Doug could have a conference call tomorrow morning to talk about this some more."
"I'll open up my schedule." Dr. Moore nodded as Mr. Atkins left the private office to go to the lobby.
