Ling Zhang led Ling Zhaowu out of the hall and the two of them walked in silence for a certain distance.
“Zhang’er, do you hate me? Back then I was bigoted and overwhelmed by agony. I forsook you, leaving you at home alone, and for over ten years I was absent from your life when I should be supporting you and educating you. What with my doings, you lost your father too when you had already lost your mother, and you spent all your formative years in a parentless family. When you fell over or got hurt or encountered dangers, I wasn’t there to protect you. Never once have I ever offered you help in anything. I wasn’t even there to… I failed in my duties as a father,” said Ling Zhaowu in a deep voice heavy with guilt.
Ling Zhang paused. At this moment, the two of them had already entered a courtyard house, and there was nobody else around to disturb them. He looked at Ling Zhaowu, feeling calmer than he’d expected himself to.
“I hated you, Father.”
Ling Zhaowu’s face paled visibly. Though having some time ago prepared himself for this answer, he still found these words quite painful when he actually heard them. “I’m sorry.”
“But that’s in the past, and now I accept your apology.
I was still a young boy when you burnt all the books in your study and then left home without hesitation. Your receding back threw me into deep distress. For a time I frequently went to the front gates to wait for you, hoping that somehow you would come back to me, but every time my expectation was met with disappointment. I couldn’t fathom out why you left, why you abandoned me, uncle, and grandfather. When I was at school, all my classmates would talk about their parents from time to time, but I had nothing to share with them in that regard. At that time, I barely had any friends, which was why I was very happy about Jia Yuanling being willing to talk with me. Although many of his acts bewildered me and struck me as unacceptable, I still didn’t want to lose this friend, because he did make me feel a suspicion of comfort every now and then, but as regards what happened afterwards… I think you probably have heard of it from my uncle and the others. People change. But all that was in the past. I had my uncle, my aunt, my grandfather, and later on Maomao. All of them are family. I’ve never felt any feelings of estrangement at home. Uncle treats me like his own son, and do does Aunt Caiwei. Maomao is a very meek boy. Though sometimes he could be naughty, he always looks up to me as his biological big brother. Needless to say, grandfather and I are the closest. In a word, despite the fact that you were not with me, I was still having a very good life. Our family is not super-rich, but we were never short of clothing or food. In fact, our economic conditions are far better than those of common households. I’m grateful for it and I have nothing to complain about.
There was a time when I forgot that I used to have a father, and I stopped thinking about it. Uncle Zhaowen and my grandfather never gave up making inquiries about your whereabouts, but I hardly made any contributions to that. Speaking of which, I guess I haven’t always been the quintessential filial son.”
“No, it’s not your fault. I’m the one to blame,” croaked Ling Zhaowu immediately after hearing this, his hands clasped tightly together at the back, his throat stinging, staring at Ling Zhang in distress.
Ling Zhang continued, “I didn’t know that you were grievously wounded and on the verge of death, and neither did I know anything about the pain you were suffering. Father, previously I did have a grudge against you, but now, seeing you alive, I feel there’s nothing more I could’ve asked for.”
Ling Zhaowu was nearly reduced to tears. “I failed you.”
Ling Zhang slightly shook his head. “All the things that I was unable to understand before are understandable for me now. After I started a relationship with Yuwen Tong, sometimes I wonder whether or not I would do the same crazy things as what you did if he dies in front of me. So, I can understand why you acted that way. I feel that maybe you failed our family by making that impulsive decision, but at least you didn’t fail my mother.”
Eyes red, Ling Zhaowu looked at him and shook his head as well. “No. I failed both you and your mother alike. Your mother would only be mad at me were she here to know what I did. I’ll accept responsibility for my mistakes. I haven’t been there for you in the past over ten years, but I’ll be with you from this day on.”
He felt a stabbing pain in the heart at these words of Ling Zhang’s as though someone had just sunk a knife into it. He couldn’t believe that he’d been insane enough to forsake his young son. This mixture of guilt and agony had been torturing him for many, many years, and he had thought that he’d become desensitized to it, but when he heard these words from Ling Zhang, it still hurt so much.
He had feared that Ling Zhang would estrange him and loathe him. It had never occurred to him that his son would say that he understood him, which inflicted on him a misery even more insufferable than the one angry rebuke or curse could’ve caused him, and also made him feel more strongly that the man he used to be was a monster.
There was no doubt that at that time… his son had been subjected to such a traumatic and painful experience. Why was he still saying that he understood him?
The agony in his heart was so intense that Ling Zhaowu felt that he was unable to keep his footing.
Ling Zhang’s lips clamped. The two of them gazed at each other. Ling Zhaowu had an anguished and complicated expression in his eyes, as though something was causing him great emotional distress. Ling Zhang’s heart gave a slight lurch at the sight of this and he worried that what he’d said just now was too much for his father. “Father?”
Ling Zhaowu jerked out of his trance and the misery in his eyes gradually ebbed away. “I’m sorry for my absent-mindedness.”
Ling Zhang was somewhat puzzled. He felt that something was not quite right but didn’t have the slightest idea of what it might be.
Ling family cast his son a deep look. “Your uncle has informed me of the matter of the Jia family. You…”
“You once told your uncle that you had a particular dream.” Ling Zhaowu’s voice was a shade tremulous when he said this, as though it was laden with a mixture of pain and anticipation that he’d been keeping hidden fathoms deep.
Ling Zhang was very observant, so this reaction of Ling Zhaowu’s naturally didn’t escape his notice. He had a rather faint, sneaking suspicion. Also, speaking of that dream… subconsciously Ling Zhang was somewhat on the alert. After all, by describing his rebirth as a dream, he’d been lying to his uncle. Why was his father specially bringing this up? Was it that his father also found it too incredible? Or was it because of some other reason?
“Yes. On that day, I was so drunk that I drifted off to sleep in a gazebo of the Jia family. A lot of horrible things happened in that dream of mine, and I had a lingering fear even after I woke up. It felt so real, so I subconsciously became wary of everything around me. Unexpectedly, Jia Yuanling was really plotting against me. That dream was the very reason why I managed to escape from death and the tragedy that could’ve struck our family was prevented,” answered Ling Zhang, trying to make himself sound as natural as possible.
Ling Zhaowu had been gazing at him all along. After quite a while, he observed, “That was a result of divine intervention and secret protection from your mother’s spirit.”
Ling Zhang smiled faintly, “I also feel that mother has been protecting me. When my maternal grandfather told me that descendants of the Phoenix Clan would acquire the ability to foretell the future if they manage to reach the highest layer of the cultivation method, I was very surprised, believing that maybe it was because of the blood in me that I had that dream and prevented the disaster from befalling our family.”
Ling Zhaowu inclined his head and exhaled deeply. “Fortunately, fortunately…”
Ling Zhang didn’t want to talk any more about this matter. He kept having this feeling that there was something behind the look in his father’s eyes when he’d been staring at him a moment ago. In order to keep his father from sensing his suspicions, he said, “Father, let me show you to your room so you could take a bath and change out of these travel-soiled clothes.”
Ling Zhaowu kept silent for a few moments and then said, “Okay.”
Ling Zhang was leading the way in front. A look of misery mixed with gratitude for his good luck flashed across Ling Zhaowu’s eyes as he watched his son’s back, and then he buried all these thoughts into the deep recesses of his mind.
…
After bringing Ling Zhaowu some toiletries, Ling Zhang took his leave. Standing in the corridor, he quietly thought back to the talk he’d just had with his father. The more details of his father’s mien he recalled, the more skeptical he was. Pity there was still a thin shroud of mystery cloaking this matter, which kept him a step away from a flash of inspiration.
Ling Zhang raised his hand to finger the jade pendant around his neck and then recollected what Mr. Mu had said to him when they’d been in the Millennium Pavilion, and with that the expression in his eyes slightly changed. He had always been meaning to ask his father about it after he woke up.
It took Ling Zhaowu a long while to finish his bath and change clothes. When he walked outside and saw that Ling Zhang was silently pondering over something in the corridor and didn’t even notice him coming, he called, “Zhang’er.”
Ling Zhaowu still sounded quite discreet when talking to Ling Zhang.
Ling Zhang pulled himself back to the present and looked at him. “Father, have you got everything handled? If you do, let’s go to the front yard.”
“Okay.” Ling Zhaowu gave a smile.
Sensing the caution in his attitude, Ling Zhang also had quite mixed feelings.
He could tell that Ling Zhaowu was feeling distress and guilt because of what he’d done previously, but there seemed to be something else behind it.
After all, in that year, his father had insisted on leaving home to look for his mother, and afterwards he’d sustained severe injuries and had been comatose ever since. Half a year ago, he came to but lost his memory, and it was not until a couple of weeks ago that he’d recovered his memory. Theoretically, even if his father had come to realize the mistakes he’d made bigotedly on an impulse, he shouldn’t be acting like he was undergoing some kind of unendurable agony, given that currently the Ling family was fine, and he was fine as well…
What was he overlooking exactly?
Right at the time when Ling Zhang felt he was within an inch of a eureka moment, Ling Zhaowu walked out of the room, bringing his musings to an end, so he had no choice but to give up thinking about it for the moment.
“Do you still have headaches or any other uncomfortable feelings, Father? Did Mr. Mu mention anything about follow-up treatment?” asked Ling Zhang.
Ling Zhaowu answered the questions one by one. “I’m not having any headaches. That pill was a miracle cure. Right now, not only is my mind at ease, I also feel that I’m even more energetic than I’d been before I got injured. My body is returning to its best state as well. But it’ll still take some time for me to be rid of all the symptoms, because after all, I stayed in bed for so many years. Presently, Mr. Mu uses medication and nutritious food to improve my health. On top of that, he also told me to do exercise on a daily basis, saying that I’d fully recuperate in half a year or so.”
Ling Zhang was greatly relieved. “I’m glad to hear that. Nothing would comfort my grandfather and uncle better than the knowledge that you’re okay.”
Ling Zhaowu flicked a glance at him and said, “Before I came here, your grandfather and uncle asked me to take a message to you for them. They wanted you to take good care of yourself in the capital city. Your uncle also said that you and Yuwen Tong should have no misgivings about doing what you wanted to do in this city, that he’d have everything handled in Tanyang.
In fact, these are my family responsibilities as well, but… I’ve been absent from your life during the past over ten years, so I can’t let you face all this alone.”
