Xia Ruoxin moved her finger. The itchiness made her instinctively want to scratch, but the resistance on her fingers made her open her eyes.
She sighed as she tried to bear with the feelings of discomfort.
“You’re awake.” Chu Lui arranged her hair. “Don’t move. I’ll apply the medication for you. Once it’s done, it’ll feel better.” As he spoke, he walked out. When he returned, he had a tray in his hands.
He set it on his lap and dabbed a bit of the ointment with a cotton bud. He then applied it on Xia Ruoxin’s fingers. There was a minty and refreshing sensation when the ointment hit her skin, and it relieved some of the itchiness.
Xia Ruoxin looked down at the man who was carefully applying the ointment to her hands. Her hand was beginning to smell a little from the decay, but he never complained about it. He even insisted on applying the ointment to her personally because he was afraid that the others would be clumsy.
He stood up and pulled the blanket aside to reveal Xia Ruoxin’s legs. He then carefully applied the ointment.
Xia Ruoxin turned and stared at her left arm. A feeling rose in her, telling her that something was not right. Chu Lui’s gloomy demeanor, the doctor’s hesitance, and the pity the nurses had for her when they saw her left arm.
“Chu Lui,” she called out the man
“En, what’s wrong?” Chu Lui sat up and set the tray aside. “Do you feel unwell somewhere? I’ll go get the doctor.”
“No.” Xia Ruoxin placed her left arm on the man’s hand. “Can you tell me the truth? Is there something wrong with my left arm?” She smiled. She did not feel sad since she was content to have been alive, to have been able to see him and Rainy again.
Chu Lui gripped her fingers, and she felt the warmth coming from his fingertips.
She smiled at him encouragingly. She really was not afraid.
“The doctor said that it might need to be amputated.” Chu Lui’s voice was a little hoarse. Some things should not be mentioned between the two of them. Those things, once brought up, brought immeasurable pain and torture.
Xia Ruoxin smiled as if she were not the amputee in question. Using her left hand that was slowly losing its sensation, she gripped his hand.
“Ah Lui…”
“En?”
Chu Lui paused. She was calling his name like she used, too. If this were in the past, he would be ecstatic. Right now, his pained heart and body transferred the joy into guilt and remorse.
He had done all of this. He would never forget who struck her on the arm back then, breaking her bone… who then cut off all sources of income, leaving her to raise herself and the child through hard labor.
It was him; it was all him. They were mistakes and sins that he could never make up for in this life.
“It’s okay, don’t worry.” He placed his fingers on her forehead. His voice was hoarse, really hoarse and quiet. Xia Ruoxin only nodded when she heard it. She was still smiling.
“Ah Lui, I’m not afraid.”
Her eyes turned into crescent moons, her face free from hurt and sadness. “I’m content to have left that place alive. It doesn’t matter if I lose an arm. Even though it won’t grow back, I still have my eyes and my mouth to see and speak. I still have my right hand, and I can still draw.”
I’m content to be able to see you and Rainy again.
“Ah Lui,” she called out to the man again.
“En,” the man replied, a hint of a smile forming at the corners of the lips; but it was clear that his dark eyes were filled with despair.
“Ah Lui, it’s okay.” Xia Ruoxin turned and buried her face in his palms. “I forgive you. I don’t blame you anymore. Don’t blame yourself. You’ve done a lot already.”
Chu Lui closed his eyes, concealing his gloominess.
“Ah Lui, thank you.”
Xia Ruoxin fell asleep again. While sleeping, she would not feel any itch; and she would not know that one of her arms was about to leave her forever.
Chu Lui tucked her in and sat there, immobile.
Suddenly, he covered his face. It was a pain that could not be measured in tears.
Tears did not necessarily represent sadness and the lack of tears did not mean despair. Different people dealt with hurt differently. Some externalized it while some internalized it.
His heart was bloody as cut deep.
“Mr. Chu, please come with me,” the nurse said carefully out the door. Chu Lui stood up and looked back at Xia Ruoxin, who was asleep, before walking out.
He was hoping for good news, but all the news they had been receiving only plunged them further in despair.
Xia Ruoxin opened her eyes when she was the only one left in the room. She had awoken when the nurse came, but she did not want anyone to know.
She raised up her left arm.
She wanted to look at it more since she would not be able to touch or feel it soon after.
She placed her right arm on her left. She could still feel life pulsating through it. This arm had been with her her whole while. Despite the pain, it was still a part of her that she always thought would follow her till she died.
She closed her eyes, and tears flowed from the corners of her eyes into the bedsheets.
That day, she cried and mourned silently.
In the doctor’s office, the authorities of orthopedics were invited from all over gathered. They had been through countless meetings and came up with countless other ways, but amputation was the only solution.
“I want to keep her arm.”
Chu Lui was insistent. No matter the method, no matter the cost. He suddenly stood up and walked out. He could not do this; he could not watch as Xia Ruoxin’s left arm got amputated.
