Ch. 212 I’m Worried That I’m Happy (1)
Carlisle stared at Kuhn, who had returned to the palace without notice.
“I know that my sister-in-law is still in the capital. Why did you come back from your vacation?”
“The break was long enough. And I had too much work here for me to stay at the Blaise mansion.”
“Everything is proceeding fine without you. There are no grounds for worry.”
Carlisle had a blasé air of indifference, but Kuhn ignored it. This wasn’t meant to be a friendly conversation anyway. He ignored Carlisle’s words and continued in his usual flat voice.
“I assigned a reliable placement for the young lady before leaving. You won’t have to worry about anything that will endanger her.”
Carlisle gave a resigned nod.
“Very well. It’s late, so you can return to work tomorrow.”
“Understood.”
Kuhn was about to leave now that the conversation had ended, but he noticed that Carlisle was alone his office in this late hour. The prince always was when there was something on his mind.
“What are you thinking of?”
Carlisle smiled faintly as he rubbed the ring on his left hand.
“I’m worried.”
“If there’s something concerning you, I’ll lend you an ear.”
Kuhn sensed that Carlisle had something on his mind. Carlisle didn’t mention it, but Kuhn knew Carlisle had given in to the monster and lost his sanity during the attack.
But the words that came out of Carlisle’s mouth were not what Kuhn expected.
“Well, what if you’re so happy that it worries you?”
“…”
“Have you ever felt that way? The things I’ve been longing for have come true.”
“…”
“It’s hard to take in because my dreams are happening before my eyes. It’s almost unreal…”
Carlisle had spent countless nights thinking about Elena, like the moment when they met at the Imperial Palace, and the promise of what they would do when they met again. His dreams, of course, included a fantasy of being loved by her. He wanted to have everything about Elena, and he wildly, frantically hoped that one day her feelings would catch up to his.
And such a moment came. Elena smiled at Carlisle and confessed her love for him. She had even risked her life for his sake, and he understood was what it was like to be loved. Reality was incredible. Even after Elena discovered the terrible secrets he wanted to hide, she still looked at him with warmth in her smile.
“Kuhn, you understand that this happiness…it never lasts for us.”
Carlisle’s blue eyes penetrated the deep darkness. Since he was born, he had never had his way. He never wanted a dragon’s power, nor did he want to be a crown prince. Everything he did want was taken from him—his cherished mother abandoned him, and his own father had unceremoniously abandoned him to the battlefield. After that, it wasn’t that Carlisle didn’t want to contact Elena after he first met her. He was not ready yet, and he wanted to keep her from danger.
Though Carlisle may appear to be wealthy other people’s eyes, Carlisle had always lost much of what he wanted.
‘…And I almost lost my wife.’
The moment he saw Elena fall from an arrow meant for him, he thought his heart would burst. He would never allow the world to dare take Elena from him. His fury was beyond words.
But his fear far surpassed his fury. He was afraid that yet again he could never have what he wanted. He couldn’t bear to lose Elena.
Carlisle stroked the ring on his left hand as if in habit. It was almost something he could be happy about.
Kuhn, who had been standing there in silent concern, finally spoke.
“Are you saying that you’re afraid that the happiness will end?”
“Yes.”
“Then why don’t you let it go before it disappears?”
“If it was as simple as that then I wouldn’t be pondering over it.”
Carlisle gave a faint smile.
“It’s because I feel like I’ll never let go. In the end we might end up sinking together because of my feelings.”
Even though it would be better if Carlisle was alone, he wanted Elena to hold his hand until the end. He would be content with his life if hers was the last face he ever saw when he took his final breath. Yes, even if Elena asked him to drink a lovely poison, he would do so happily.
But if it was something that puts Elena in danger, that was a different story. That was unacceptable no matter what.
Who knew that something that made him so happy could also strike dread into his heart.
Kuhn shook his head as if he found Carlisle’s words too difficult to understand.
“I’m not sure how to respond.”
“It’s fine. I think I picked the wrong person.”
Carlisle rose from his seat. It was late, and he had to return to the bedroom where Elena was waiting. He walked towards the door, then he turned his head suddenly and looked back at Kuhn, who was standing still behind him.
“If you have anything that worries you… don’t run away from it.”
Kuhn was still puzzled by this conversation, but he replied.
“You said you were afraid. If so, you should avoid it if you can.”
“Sometimes you can’t do that. You have to forge ahead even if you’re afraid … It’s time to grab it with your hands.”
Carlisle touched the ring he had been absentmindedly playing with. It was true that he was afraid of losing Elena, but he couldn’t bear to simply watch it happen. He would eliminate all risk factors before anyone touched her.
Carlisle walked forward again, when Kuhn’s voice stopped him.
“Well, General, I think for me…it’s too late.”
Carlisle turned around to look at Kuhn, who then gave a deep bow.
“Good night, General. I’ll see you again tomorrow.”
“…Yes.”
Kuhn didn’t say another word, and Carlisle walked forward again. Both men understood the darkness each of them held in their hearts. They didn’t have to wonder what they had to say to each other.
