Chapter 857: Splendid!
Translator: Legge Editor: Legge
On Weibo.
A lot of people from the crosstalk world were still criticizing Zhang Ye and Yao Jiancai. The ones who were doing most of the criticizing were a few of the veteran comedians from the crosstalk world and the people from Tang Dazhang’s Crosstalk Society.
An old crosstalk actor: “The crosstalk world will never acknowledge him!”
The people who supported Zhang Ye and Yao Jiancai came out to return the criticism.
Suddenly, someone exclaimed, “Ah, an audio recording!”
“What audio recording?”
“What’s happening?”
“Someone has posted an audio recording! It’s from Beijing TV’s Spring Festival Gala rehearsal!”
“Oh, it really is! Damn, this is an audio recording of Teacher Zhang and Teacher Yao’s crosstalk!”
“Aiyo, which hero posted it?”
“Well done! I’ll go and listen to it now!”
“Link please! Where did you guys get it?”
“Hahaha, I found it too. I’m listening to it right now!”
…
Those who were at the dress rehearsal hall did not know about the leak.
The crosstalk routine was still going on.
Zhang Ye calmly continued, “That’s why people say that crosstalk is a cure for all diseases. It was especially effective for those prostate disease sufferers.”
Yao Jiancai sighed, “Hai.”
“But for those who are interested in going and watching his crosstalk live, please take caution. As long as it is a venue hosting Teacher Tang’s crosstalk performance, there will usually be a sign at the entrance written in bold red letters: Nonmembers of the Swimming Association, please be extremely careful.”
Yao Jiancai chuckled. “This is the first time I’m hearing that you’d need to learn swimming first if you want to listen to a crosstalk routine!”
Zhang Ye nodded his head seriously and replied, “Right, just like the high entry barriers to get into this industry, the entry barriers to listen to it are also very high. Crosstalk is an art that carries a high risk of danger.” Some of the jokes were directly retrieved from his memory using the Memory Search Capsules while some of them were adapted and changed for use on the spot.
Everyone in the audience was cramping up with laughter!
“Hahahaha!”
Yao Jiancai shook his head and remarked, “That mouth of yours is too wicked.”
Zhang Ye said, “But his popularity is still very high.”
Yao Jiancai sighed. “With this kind of standard, how popular can he be?”
“But he is. Previously, there was a woman who recovered from her prostate disease after listening to his crosstalk and presented a silk banner to Teacher Tang.”
“A woman? How can a woman suffer from such a disease?!”
“Why not?”
“Women don’t suffer from such a disease.”
“Anyway, she still got Teacher Tang a silk banner.”
“What kind of a silk banner?”
“There were two big words written on it—Kinky Hands!”
The entire audience laughed even louder!
Yao Jiancai quickly corrected, “You mean Healing Hands!”
Zhang Ye gave a long “oh” before saying, “Perhaps I remembered wrong then. I’m sorry that my knowledge is limited, but I just feel really envious of him.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah, he can use crosstalk to earn money.”
“Really?”
“Moreover, this industry is really good too since the people in it are very united!”
The crosstalk world was united?
When everyone in the audience heard that, they started howling!
“Yi!”
“Yi!”
“Yi!”
Although it was only a dress rehearsal, the staff and people from the approval board for the Spring Festival Gala were all very supportive. They truly enjoyed it and couldn’t help but shout out their feelings before bursting into laughter!
…
In the outside world.
Tang Dazhang’s home.
Tang Dazhang had been rehearsing for his performance for the past few days at home. His house had quite a lot of people streaming in and out every day, as they all made the final sprint for the Spring Festival Gala performance.
At this moment, an industry peer from the crosstalk world called.
“Old Tang!”
“Hur hur, Old Sun.”
“Get online quickly!”
“I was just rehearsing with my disciple, what’s the matter?”
“Zhang Ye’s crosstalk routine on Beijing TV’s Spring Festival Gala has been leaked!”
“Ah?”
“That bastard is scolding people again!”
“What?”
After Tang Dazhang hung up, his disciple and some colleagues who were with him also heard about the news. They all had sunken expressions as they went online to search for the audio recording. They wanted to know what exactly Zhang Ye had said at Beijing TV’s Spring Festival Gala dress rehearsal. Scolding? A Spring Festival Gala was a live broadcast event. How would he have the courage to scold people on it?
How was that possible!
At a different location.
At the homes of several crosstalk world veterans, their telephones were also ringing.
“M-Master Xu, Zhang Ye is stirring up trouble!”
“What did he do?”
“Go online and take a look!”
…
At the venue of the performance.
Yao Jiancai was laughing. “Heh.”
Zhang Ye stated, “The industry’s people are also kindhearted, always out performing good deeds!”
“Performing what kinds of good deeds?”
“For example, some years ago during that earthquake, the crosstalk world went out together to make a donation. Several veteran crosstalk comedians brought their disciples and grand-disciples amounting to over a hundred people to the Red Cross. The leading veteran comedian said, ‘Even though we earn money very quickly and easily through our crosstalk, we are also limited by our earnings that cannot be compared to the tycoons who are worth millions and billions.'”
Yao Jiancai nodded. “Indeed, that is very true.”
“‘If we’re expected to donate 300 to 500 million, we really don’t have such money to speak of.'”
Yao Jiancai waved his hands. “There’s no need for that much. It’s the thought that counts.”
“Right, three to five yuan is also a thought. We can’t compare to others.”
Yao Jiancai nodded. “That’s right, and there’s no need to compare others.”
“Here, take this. This is the three yuan from me. Then another veteran comedian followed behind saying, ‘And here is my three yuan as well.’ Everyone was rushing to donate.”
Yao Jiancai was dumbfounded. “They really donated three yuan?”
It was about the crosstalk world again!
He was scolding the crosstalk world again!
A lot of people below the stage suddenly jolted, especially Xiao Lu, Dafei, and the others who were most livened up, laughing the loudest!
Zhang Ye pretended to grab something. “After making their donations, these people grabbed a dozen or so candles to light up and hold in their hands. They would give a fist pump to whomever they came across and shout ‘stay strong’ to them.”
“Whoa, they donated three yuan and grabbed over a dozen candles? How can a person hold a dozen of those anyway?”
Zhang Ye gave Yao Jiancai a strange look. “Not all of them were lighted. They only lighted one. They stowed the rest in their pockets.”
“Ah? They took them? Aren’t they making a profit then?!”
A flurry of laughs rang out!
At this moment, a staff member came running to look for Executive Director Chang Xiaoliang to inform him about the preparations made for the next performance on the main stage.
“Director Chang, the preparations over there—”
Before he could finish, Chang Xiaoliang cut him off without even looking at him. He raised a hand and said without looking at him, “If there’s anything you want to tell me, do it later. Let’s finish watching this performance first!”
That person could only stand there and listen to the crosstalk performance as well.
Zhang Ye said, “After a short while, a group of laborers came along and donated a thousand yuan each.”
“Whoa, that much?”
“Those people from the crosstalk world gave a fist pump to them and shouted, ‘Stay strong!'”
Yao Jiancai sighed, “Hai.”
“Following that, a form teacher brought a group of elementary school students over and each of them donated 5000 yuan each!”
“The elementary school students donated 5000 yuan?”
“The crosstalk world people raised their candles and stood on both sides of them saying, ‘Stay strong!'”
Yao Jiancai rolled his eyes. “It wasn’t necessary for them to say all that.”
“Finally, a group of women came. They were special service staff from a cabaret and every one of them was dressed very beautifully.”
“Which profession is that!”
“Each of them donated 50,000 yuan to the cause!”
Yao Jiancai exclaimed, “They donated that much?”
“However, the staff of the Red Cross showed them a disdainful look. They said right there, ‘Take it back, we don’t want such dirty money!'”
The people in the audience were listening earnestly, not sure what the gag was about.
Zhang Ye followed up with, “In the end, those veteran crosstalk comedians raged and shouted, ‘What do you mean “dirty money”! That’s all our hard-earned money!'”
When the punchline was delivered, everyone in the audience laughed madly!
“Pfft!”
“Hard-earned money?”
“Hahahaha!”
“Aiyo! I can’t breathe! Can’t breathe!”
“Hahahahaha!”
Yao Jiancai also supported the performance very well. “Oh, so they donated the majority of their money over there instead!” 30% teasing, 70% supporting—this golden rule of the crosstalk world was not to say that the fall-guy was more important than the leading role, nor that the role of the fall guy was more difficult to perform than the lead. What it expressed was that whether a gag could achieve its maximum potential depended on the support given by the fall guy. It took up a greater proportion of the formula for success. The better it was supported, the greater the effect of the gag!
When everyone heard that, they laughed even harder!
Over on the side, a few Beijing Television staff who were working and not watching the performance from the audience but could hear it were also clutching their stomachs, unable to control themselves from laughing. They dropped all the work they were doing and just looked over to the secondary stage area and listened to Zhang Ye’s scolding.
Dong Shanshan and the male host were both roaring with laughter!
There were staff below the stage giving time cues to indicate that they still had 5 minutes to perform.
Zhang Ye was actually constantly watching the clock and counting down. He would adjust his bits according to the time. “Therefore, I also learned and took up crosstalk.”
Yao Jiancai smiled. “You also started doing crosstalk?”
Zhang Ye said depressing, “However, it was only when I started that I realized how difficult it was to perform crosstalk. The competition in this industry was too intense and if you were to just go on stage with two people to perform a down-to-earth crosstalk, you certainly couldn’t outdo others.”
Yao Jiancai asked, “Why not?”
“They’re full of tricks and surprises. Some crosstalk comedian even invited a bunch of Jingyun Dagu actresses to go on stage with them and accompany them.”
Yao Jiancai: “Ah? There’s even such a form of crosstalk?”
Jingyun Dagu?
Actresses?
Immediately, everyone was reminded of Tang Dazhang’s Spring Festival Gala crosstalk routine!
“All those actresses would be dressed in qipaos.” Zhang Ye pointed to his own armpits. “And they are surely going to be very airy with the side slits opening up all the way to the armpits!”
Yao Jiancai said in surprise, “Oh boy, then isn’t that the same as draping curtains over yourself and coming out?”
Zhang Ye clicked his tongue and pointed out in wonder, “I don’t know why, but it seemed like the tickets to the side stands sold particularly well!”
“Hahaha!”
“Yi!”
“Yi!”
The crowd once again howled with laughter!
Yao Jiancai smacked his lips and replied, “Heh, I wonder if they’re there to see the Jingyun Dagu performance or see a show of thighs!”
“Aiyo!”
“Hahahaha!”
Some people even got tired from laughing too much but could not stop at all!
Zhang Ye sighed and spoke, “Later, a friend of mine told me that I couldn’t keep going on like this. If I wanted to become popular and famous, then I would have to at least get on Central TV’s Spring Festival Gala! Once I get onto their Spring Festival Gala, I will shoot to fame overnight!”
Central TV’s Spring Festival Gala?
Hu Fei was stunned!
Yao Jiancai agreed, “Indeed.”
“He has a lot of connections and knew the director of Central TV’s Spring Festival Gala, so he introduced me to the director. But when the director saw me, he said that the show list had already been fully scheduled and that there was no place for me anymore. So I was told to take on some work for the time being and do some cleaning or deliver box lunches. He even asked me to walk his dog! See, I even have to walk his dog now, how degrading!”
“That is considered standard crew work.”
“I had to walk his dog every day, but the lousy dog would always stop after a few steps before going again. I was then led to a watch shop where I asked a watchmaker to have a look at why it stopped every few steps. I asked why it was happening. But the watchmaker said that it would be fine and to just apply some grease on it.”
“Hey! What does that have anything to do with applying grease!?”
“After I got it fixed, the director was so happy. Hur, no one could fix that dog all this while, yet I managed to get it fixed. I was now his trusted aide and was told to stay close to him.”
Yao Jiancai replied, “That’s great.”
“So I waited and pondered over and over about which performance I could take. Heh, it seemed that there was a 400-person crosstalk routine I could take part in.”
“What? 400 persons?”
This was clearly a swipe at Tang Dazhang’s Spring Festival Gala crosstalk routine!
At once, everyone in the audience was getting more and more excited!
Xiao Lu laughed loudly while slapping her thigh!
Dafei kept shouting, “What a wonderful performance this is! It’s splendid! Hahahaha!”
Zhang Ye answered, “Yes, 400 persons.”
Yao Jiancai shook his head. “Impossible, there’s no such crosstalk at all.”
Zhang Ye looked at him. “Why not? What do you call a crosstalk performed by one person?”
“Stand-up.”
“What about by two persons?”
“Crosstalk.”
“And three persons?”
“Group crosstalk.”
Zhang Ye said, “So then, what do you call a crosstalk between 400 persons?”
Yao Jiancai asked, “What?”
Zhang Ye answered, “It’s called a Spring Festival Gala crosstalk.”
“Is that so?”
“Only Central TV’s Spring Festival Gala would have such a performance.”
Yao Jiancai sighed, “Hai.”
A Spring Festival Gala crosstalk?
Everyone’s mouths were stiff from laughing. Aiyo, he was even making fun of Central TV now!
Zhang Ye explained, “A 400-person mass crosstalk performance will gather crosstalk comedians from all over the country in one location. The stage setup will consist of a mockup of a mountain on this side, a stream over here, with a pool over there. Then a helicopter in the sky will scatter 100 of those crosstalk comedians, each of them wearing a parachute. When they land they will wave at the audience. While another 100 of them will emerge from the waters here. Finally, a rickshaw will pull in with the lead standing in it. The first thing he says will be: ‘We meet again, my friends!'”
Wasn’t that Tang Dazhang’s catchphrase?
Hu Fei was constantly smiling wryly. He did not know what he could say anymore. All he knew was that no matter what, he must never offend someone like Zhang Ye. This guy’s mouth was simply too harsh!
“As the performance starts, everyone gets into their position. Then the lead of the crosstalk says, ‘Please repeat this after me backwards. Year New happy a everyone wish to happy very are we.’ Everyone will say together after him, ‘We are very happy to wish everyone a happy New Year!’ And with a bow, the crosstalk performance will finish.”
Yao Jiancai was stunned. “That’s it?”
Zhang Ye excitedly slapped his thigh. “I believe that I could do a performance like that too because even those dimwits could handle it!”
Yao Jiancai replied, “That’s right.”
“Hahaha!”
“Even those dimwits could handle it? Pfft!”
“This is cracking me up!”
Zhang Ye said excitedly, “I’ll do it, I’ll join this performance. Then the director told me that I couldn’t join the performance yet as all those 400 people had supporters. But if anyone quit, I could replace them. So I kept waiting and waiting, waiting for the opportunity that someone would quit so I could take their place. There were so many things going on at the venue and I had to deliver the boxed lunches every day. One day at a rehearsal, attended by several thousand people, a woman had to give birth and created such a big commotion. If you were about to give birth, you should have just stayed at home, why are you here attending the rehearsal with several thousand others?”
“Right.”
“So I called for an ambulance and brought her out to the ambulance after the baby was born. When it was done, I came back and handled everything, including clearing up the place. In the end, my chance came on that day.”
“What chance?”
“The 400-person crosstalk routine of course. Didn’t I mention that there were 100 crosstalk comedians parachuting out of a plane? One of their parachutes failed to open!”
Yao Jiancai was startled. “Aiyo!”
“Snap! But luckily…”
“He was fine?”
“—He died!”
Yao Jiancai reeled. “Why would you say luckily if he died?”
Yet another wave of laughter roared through the hall!
Zhang Ye hastily said, “Seeing that it was really happening, I turned around and went to look for the director. I told him, ‘Let me replace him, let me do it!’ But the director told me, ‘You’re too late, the person who pushed him out of the plane has already replaced him!'”
Yao Jiancai exclaimed, “That’s too cruel!”
“Aren’t they really cruel? They totally didn’t give me a chance, so I went to look for my friend to rant. I told him that this wasn’t working out, that all I have been doing every day was toiling for them. I even had to take care of the woman giving birth, yet they didn’t give me a chance at all! In the end, my friend told me, ‘You’re not thick-skinned enough. If you want to become famous and get on the Spring Festival Gala, then you ought to be more thick-skinned. You have to be shameless, you know?'”
Yao Jiancai replied, “Ah?”
To get on the Spring Festival Gala?
Have to be shameless?
“Yi!”
The reaction of the audience was sounding again! There was wild laughter coming from all directions!
The station head had to facepalm as she laughed. “That Little Zhang!”
A deputy station head was also cramping up from laughing beside her. It was full of references to the internal affairs behind Central TV’s Spring Festival Gala that were already quite an open secret in the industry. Zhang Ye’s remarks had completely triggered their laughter!
Only to hear Zhang Ye ponder aloud onstage, “If I’m not shameless, how can I learn? When I think about it, it seems that I should learn from the woman who gave birth at the rehearsal hall. Hey, with thousands of people watching her give birth, I’m sure she has thick enough skin, right?”
Yao Jiancai was taken aback but then started laughing. “Oh right, she’s thick-skinned enough.”
Zhang Ye fist pumped. “Right, I’ll go find her then! After asking around, I went straight to the hospital. When I got there, I found her sitting on her hospital bed crying. ‘Aiya, sob sob, there were thousands of people who saw me at the Spring Festival Gala rehearsal giving birth!'”
Yao Jiancai laughed. “Eh, so she knows to be embarrassed too?”
Zhang Ye chuckled. “So I hurriedly tried to console her and tell her it wasn’t a big deal. I told her that there was someone who gave birth to a child in front of 20,000 people in Tiananmen Square during the celebration of the successful Olympic bid!”
Yao Jiancai was amused. “Yeah.”
“But in the end, when the woman heard that, she cried even harder and said, ‘Aiya, that was me too!'”
Yao Jiancai was dumbfounded. “Ah? It was also her?!”
“Hahahahaha!”
Time’s up!
The ending came at just the right time!
Zhang Ye and Yao Jiancai bowed to the audience while beaming!
Suddenly, a flood of applause and laughter rang out and filled the entire hall!
“Great!”
“Well said!”
“Hahahaha!”
“That’s so awesome!”
“Aiyo, I nearly died from laughing!”
“Well scolded!”
The station head shook her head, not knowing if she should clap for him.
Chang Xiaoliang stood up applauding!
Hou Ge, Hou Ge, Xiao Lu, and the others were even screaming as they clapped!
This crosstalk did not let anyone who was listening to it have a lapse in concentration. The entire act was full of laughing points!
Zhang Ye exited the stage.
Music started playing over at the main stage area as the secondary stage for the language performances was temporarily emptied.
As they walked past each other, the male host quickly asked, “Teacher Zhang, Teacher Yao, what is the title of your crosstalk?”
Zhang Ye answered with a smile, “I Want to Get on the Spring Festival Gala!”
The male host immediately gave him a thumbs up. “I really have to give it to you!”
“What a good title!” Dong Shanshan also laughed when she heard it and gave Zhang Ye a thumbs up as well. “If this crosstalk of yours were to be broadcast, you’d surely make quite a few people from the crosstalk world die from anger!”
Zhang Ye blinked at that. “Then would that count as me ridding the world of evil?”
Yao Jiancai gave him a light push and laughed. “Rid what evil, you! In the eyes of everyone, you’re the truly evil one!”
The performance was complete.
Everyone was left wanting more!
Although the people of Beijing Television knew it was only a rehearsal that would definitely not pass for the live broadcast on the actual day of the Spring Festival Gala, they still gave their most enthusiastic applause. This applause was dedicated to the exquisite art of crosstalk and also a sign of respect to the two teachers Zhang Ye and Yao Jiancai!
Splendid!
It was really wonderful!
This art form has totally been revived by Zhang Ye!
