Manager Han Maru. If he didn’t see it incorrectly, that was what was written on his ID card. He didn’t see the man’s face, but Maru was sure that the collapsed man was himself.
No way – Maru shook his head. Manager? In his previous life, he never climbed up to the position of a manager even once. When he worked at a company, his position as an assistant manager. Not only that, he had to quit without being able to work much since he ended up whistleblowing due to an employee who entered through the president’s connections. He had never spent enough time at a company to rise to the position of a manager. He worked as a road manager for an entertainer, then entered a small-scale company and spent his time as a salaryman for a while, before quitting and becoming a bus driver. Nowhere in his career history was he a manager at a logistics company.
Then who was the man he saw just now?
To treat this as a simple dream was impossible since the meaning behind this situation wasn’t that light. He was in the middle of a road, and there were people looking at him from either side of the road. One side was quietly staring at him, and the other side was telling him to come back. Which side was he supposed to choose?
Despite the fact that he was in a dream, his breathing slowly became hurried. He wondered what he was like currently in reality. Perhaps he was breathing heavily while sweating coldly.
Maru moved to slap his cheeks with all his might, to the point that it wouldn’t be strange if he dislocated his jaws and broke a few teeth. However, before his palms hit his cheeks, someone grabbed one of his hands. The hand that grabbed his hand belonged to a man. Maru blinked and looked next to him.
There was a foul stench. He even lifted his hand reflexively to block his nose.
“Hey, you little shit, this is my place. Why are you rubbing your body all over? Move!”
The man who was talking about ‘his place’ in the middle of the road had ruffled hair and a dirty face as though he hadn’t washed in days. He was wearing a thick winter jacket, which had the cotton padding inside spilling out through some rips. His shoes had greyed out to the point that the original color was unrecognizable.
“Your place, what do you….”
Just as he was about to shake the man’s arm off, he felt slightly dizzy and closed his eyes. When he opened his eyes again, what he saw was a train station which had turned dark. In the middle of a large train station that was presumed to be Seoul Station, he was standing there.
“Where do you think you are looking? Hey, don’t act crazy and get out of my way.”
The man pushed him away strongly. Maru was powerless to resist. The scenery had changed in an instant, and there was this man. Just what was this dream trying to show him?
He turned around to look at the man. That man, who took a bench next to a pillar all for himself, put down some newspaper and some cardboard in a proficient manner before sitting down on top of it. He took out a bottle of soju and a plastic cup from his jacket.
“Oi, Lee. Get the ramyun over here.”
The man called ‘Lee’ walked over from the other side. He also looked quite dirty. The two men, who sat facing each other, started eating ramyun out of its packaging over some soju. They had a conversation as well, and most of the time it was about how they could escape their situation soon.
Maru looked down at his body. He was wearing a dark grey suit with the elbows worn out as though it was quite old. His watch had a tattered leather band that looked like he could rip it with some force. Furthermore, from how the noses of his shoes were wrinkled, his shoes seemed pretty old as well.
What was this now? Maru stroked his face with his hand. The first thing he felt was his cheeks, which had lost their elasticity. His two eyes had sunken, and on his forehead were numerous thick grooves that seemed to have appeared with the passage of a long time.
His body suddenly felt heavy. He felt hungry, and his knees felt numb as well. Maru followed the signs to the bathroom. He met eyes with the cleaning lady, and the lady clicked her tongue as though she had seen something she didn’t want to before walking away. He stared at the lady’s back for a while before standing in front of the mirror. He saw his clothes. He also saw the light blue-colored necktie that did not fit the dark grey suit. However, the thing he had to see couldn’t be seen.
He couldn’t see his face. His face in the mirror couldn’t be seen as though it was hidden behind a thick mist. He could make out the general features through touch, but it felt stifling not being able to confirm it with his eyes. He turned on the tap, but no water came out. When he left the bathroom with a burning thirst, he saw the two drinking men. The station had become filled with people now. Everyone had depressed faces without any life in them, and they were all leaning against the wall or were lying down. Among them were men who were wearing suits just like he was. There were over a dozen of them.
Anyone who’s not an idiot would know why they were here. Maru put his hand on the wall. Just what was this dream trying to show him?
Strength drained from his body all of a sudden. An immense sense of loss suddenly overwhelmed him.
“Look at that. He’s wearing something like that in this cold weather. No wonder he’s collapsing. Oi! If you don’t wanna die, then get some clothes to wear. Also, you should tell your family that you got fired, you know? It’s kinda obvious that you’re trying to pretend to go to work while looking for work instead, but that’s really not something you should do.”
One of the drinking men shouted at him. Was he saying that to me? – Maru felt his ears go numb. The sounds became distant.
“Oo-uh? What the heck is up with him? Hey, hey!”
“Holy shit, he’s trying to die here. If you die here, the station staff will block the entrance again, dammit! If you wanna die, die outside. Or jump into the Han River or something!”
People ran towards him and violently shook him. Maru felt as though he was standing on top of a ship in stormy weather. His insides were churning, and he couldn’t prop himself up properly. He felt like he was going to die just like that, when,
His closed eyes suddenly opened. He intuitively sucked in a deep breath. The foul stench that haunted him until a moment ago had disappeared. Instead of a bad smell, what tickled his nose was the scent unique to disinfectants. Maru looked at the white ceiling before sitting up. He was in a quiet ward. There wasn’t anyone around him. It wasn’t that he was in a private room. There were four beds, there just wasn’t anyone occupying them. The news was flowing out of the large TV on the wall. It was talking about how the first ever electronic retina transplant was successful. It was then followed up by the fact that it could connect to the network with some peripheral devices.
He blinked and looked around him before he realized that he was having a hard time breathing with his mouth open. His breath circulated around his mouth. He wanted to breathe in deeply so that his lungs would puff up, but for some reason, such a simple act felt very burdensome.
He tried touching his forehead with the back of his hand. There was nothing on it. He thought that he would have been sweating cold sweat, but what he felt through his hand was a texture akin to dried tree bark. He raised his hand to touch his face. He understood what ‘skin and bones’ meant from just a single touch. He moved his fingers according to the shape of his skull that was clearly outlined on his skin. He felt like a thin hide was covering his bones. Maru quickly took his hand off his face in fear that he might poke a hole through his face. He knew that this was a dream, but the frightening sense of reality pushed him into the depths of fear.
Haa, haah. He kept breathing dryly. Was this not a ward? Why wasn’t he getting any treatment even though it looked like his body was in a bad state?
Just then, the door to the ward opened and a man came in. The skinny man smiled at him before sitting on the bed next to his. The man that Maru seemed to remember, yet did not, opened his mouth,
“I’m going to go home now. Forty-seven years huh. I’ve lived a fierce life until now, so I guess I’ll spend my last at home at ease.”
“Go home? What do you mean?”
He subconsciously talked to the man without any polite speech. The man opposite him laughed.
“Of course, I’m talking about hospice. But this country is pretty good too, eh? Just 110,000 won a month will get a doctor and a nurse to visit you every month. My family seems to be at ease too. I mean, you know? There’s a man with terminal cancer alone in a house. What kind of family would be at ease knowing that?”
“Terminal cancer?”
“What’s up with you, fella? You had a dream? Well, I guess you do talk about weird stuff from time to time.”
The man sitting opposite him talked about some things after that, but none of it entered Maru’s ears. Terminal cancer. These two words blocked his ears. Only then did his twig-like arms and legs enter his eyes. Perhaps this was a body that relied on porridge to live on, if it could even.
This is a dream, this is a dream – he felt like vomiting. What did he have to do in order to escape this nightmare? After looking around, a window entered his eyes. He pushed himself up and walked over to the window.
“Getting some fresh air? Sounds good to me. There’s nothing better than spring wind. It might be our last spring, so let’s do everything we want.”
Immediately after that, a smashing sound could be heard behind him. Maru slowly turned around. The man, who seemed to have given up everything in life as though he was enlightened, had grabbed the table clock and smashed it against the corner of the bed.
“Stop fucking ticking. Just stay still, goddammit. Dammit. I’m not even fifty yet. I haven’t even seen my kids get married. Why, just why….”
It was tragic. Maru couldn’t bear to look.
If there was a gentle hell, it would be this place.
He opened the window wide. The room seemed to be around the 4th floor. It was a tall enough height that he would die instantly if he fell on his head. Maru stepped on the window sill without hesitation. The wind made his patient clothes flutter.
“H-hey. What are you doing!”
“Waking up. I’m going to wake up from this terrible dream.”
“You crazy? What about insurance? You know that you won’t get paid if you commit suicide. What about the family you boasted about so much! What are you going to do about them!”
The man who was cursing at the flow of time until just moments ago was now worrying about him. How cruel was that?
“I’m fine. This is a dream after all.”
“This is reality, you know? Reality!”
“No, this is a dream. I’m sorry to say this, but this is a dream. Don’t worry about it. You won’t die either. Because this never happened in the first place.”
“H-Han Maru! Hey! No, you can’t do that!”
He hurled his body outside as he listened to the despair contained in those words. Now, I should be able to wake up from this horrible dream – just as he thought that,
“If you’re tired, you should go inside and get some rest. A chief mourner always has it the hardest.”
There was a person who propped him up as he was shaking. Yet again, it was a man he did not know. Hearing the word ‘chief mourner’, he reflexively looked at his arm. He was wearing a band around his arm.
“A funeral?”
“This fella, you’re out of yourself. You should get some sleep. I’ll keep watch over this place for you in the meanwhile.”
The moment he stood up while clutching his aching head, he saw a photo in the black frame beyond the thick smell of incense. In the photo was a lady with a bright smile.
Maru laughed as though he lost it.
“Why don’t you… kill me instead.”
It was her photo. He stared at the photo of her, who wasn’t even in her mid twenties yet, before laughing in vain. Was this god’s prank? Did he have to pay the price for the blessing of living another life? He looked at the calendar. It was 2010.
He felt tired, he wanted no more of this. Maru smashed his head on the floor. He wanted to escape this dream now since it only showed him despair. This damned dream didn’t end even when he died. It was a horrific maze without an exit. He suddenly felt that this dream might never end. A chill ran up his body. He lost strength in his legs, and he couldn’t stand up again.
When he smiled like a lunatic amidst a group of strangers, people wearing black clothing clicked their tongues in pity and told him to cheer up. What was the meaning behind this dream? Whose product was this? If it was god’s will, he wanted to say that it was too cruel.
Just then, he saw the rabbit from before amidst the people walking by. The rabbit sniffed while holding the pocket watch and stared at him. Then it started hopping away as though it was telling Maru to follow before looking back again. Maru stared at the rabbit hopping away in a daze before hurriedly following after it.
“Hey, Han Maru! Where are you going!”
He shook off the hand that grabbed his arm and desperately chased after the rabbit.
